Yesterday was a rough day. Brooke got frustrated to the point of tears about both math and piano, and I tried to be calm and help her get over her frustration. She gets so frustrated that she closes up her brain and doesn't think anymore, which is frustrating to me. I kept my cool mostly pretty well, but at one point, her frustration was getting to me, and I just told her that I couldn't keep doing this with her. 

This happens often. Almost daily, in the case of math. And I've tried a variety of things to help her, but nothing seems to help. It makes me wonder if maybe I should put them back into school. The last few weeks have been really hard, with homeschooling. That little voice in my head keeps saying, "if you put them in school, it would be so much easier. You don't HAVE to homeschool them. You all might be better off that way." 

I became really discouraged yesterday about the kind of mother I am. I'm so far from the kind of mother I want to be, and it feels impossible to get there. Every single day, I feel ashamed and disappointed in myself for one thing or another: I got after my kids for something little (or bigger); I didn't play with them enough or spend time with them; I was in my own world and didn't pay them attention; I was distracted on my phone to much; I spoke to them without respect; I made them feel little and ashamed. That's not who I want to be. 

So, basically the whole day was spent wallowing in discouragement, self-doubt, self-pity, and frustration. It wasn't a great day. 

I said a desperate, heart-felt prayer last night, just pouring out my frustrations to Heavenly Father and playing for help. And I feel like I got a very clear answer. A tool to help me in my parenting:

STOP. ✋️ You are choosing                                (fill in the blank: frustration, anger, depression, disappointment, etc). Reframe your thoughts. 

This is how it would look in real life: 

STOP. ✋️ You are choosing frustration. Reframe your thoughts: you don't like the mess; but they are playing so well together, having fun and learning in the process. Messes can be cleaned up. Water the flowers. 

STOP. ✋️ You are choosing anger. Reframe your thoughts: you've asked them to do this thing many times; they are not listening because they have better things to do (ie they're playing, they're reading, they're doing what they want to do). Gently and kindly insert yourself into their consciousness, and be firm in your boundary.

STOP. ✋️ You are choosing anger and disappointment. Reframe your thoughts: they are doing exactly what you told them not to do. Apparently they really wanted to do this thing, so much that they risked being disobedient and angering you. Tell them what they CAN do, or find a time when they can do this thing they want to do. 

Etc. There are a myriad of situations this is applicable. I'm hoping that I can put in the work to make this work for me. 

The other thing that I felt impressed about while I was praying was the need to practice skills. I have often thought of cues that could help me be a better mom and more calm and patient. But it's hard for me to use them when I'm in that reactive state. The Spirit whispered to me last night that I need to practice and role-play with myself, to go through mental exercises so that I can create this habit of STOPPING when I feel my emotions getting out of control. It won't just happen; I need to make these things happen by practicing the skills and mentally putting myself in those situations so that I know how to act when those situations actually do arise. 

I'm tired of the mom I am. I'm ready to do better. Here's hoping that I can practice and become better, that I can change my thoughts and my stories in my head so that I can be happier with my kids.