Jack, just now, drinking my la Croix: I didn't get much. I don't like not getting much. I like getting much. 😂

This week, Tuesday, Sawyer had his last breast milk bottle. My frozen breast milk officially ran out and we are now at 100% formula. I got a big tub at Costco for $20 ... $0.50 per ounce. 😱😭 He got 9 full months of exclusive breast milk and 8 and a half full months is nursing. So I'm happy with that. I knew he wouldn't nurse for a full year; he didn't ever exclusively nurse, and I knew one I stopped pumping my milk supply would go down, and eventually he'd get tired of getting so little milk from nursing. I did what I could, and I'm going to be happy with what he got. 

There are also benefits to being done nursing: I can start losing weight easier; my hormones can start getting back to normal; I have my body to myself again; Daniel can get up with him sometimes so I can sleep in; I'm more comfortable leaving him for longer periods of time. I love nursing so so much. But I'm looking in the bright side. 

 Jack went to a preschool tea party today, and it looked adorable. He wanted to be fancy. So we put him in dress pants, shirt and a best. But he insisted on wearing his blue chucks, too. The outcome was very much adorable. He seemed go have fun. 

We went for haircuts after gymnastics today. Brooke has been begging me to take her for a haircut for weeks, because she wanted to get bangs. Her little best friend at school, Swayze, has bangs, and she wanted them too. I gave her a few weeks to sit on that choice to make sure she really wanted to. Jack was shaggy enough to get a haircut, so all 3 older kids got haircuts. Brooke was so excited about her bangs! I think she really loves them. And I think she's pretty cute. She kept going on about who is going to be surprised about her hair and who will love it. It was very cute. 

Camille has been struggling for a few weeks with victim mentality and thinking she's an orphan (thank you, orphan Annie...) because we all hate her. It's been difficult for Daniel and I to handle and feel sympathy for it. She knows we all love her. She just likes to get mad and say ridiculous things. 

Poor Sawyer had a hard time going to sleep tonight, poor baby. I'm thinking he might be teething. 

Daniel and I have been over the top busy lately. It's been difficult. Trying to manage our lives after Sawyer was born... it's challenging. And something always takes a back seat, whether it's sleep, workouts, sex, or keeping house. 🤷🏽‍♀️ We can't seem to get everything done. This week, the house has suffered. With me wanting to get something done. 

I'm thankful for a loving Savior, who is joyful when we repent and come to Him and change.

 Jack has a really bad canker sore in his gums just below his bottom teeth. He said it was a bad guy. Then a few minutes, after we put and numbing gel on it, he said, "my sore is walking away."

Jack was so quiet today. He played by himself a lot and didn't make much of a fuss about things. He asked me to play with him once, but I told him we'd have to play later -- I was trying to get the kitchen cleaned up. And he just said, "okay" and went to play by himself. I need to spend some real time with him tomorrow. As I was praying tonight, I felt like he might need some love and attention, he might be feeling lonely. 

Sawyer is getting more and more fun with each day. He turned 9 months on Sunday, yesterday. He laughs and smiles and gets excited about things. He interacts more with us too, not just solely anxious to be down exploring on his own. 

I wish I could burn in my memory when I puthim down for a nap today: he was so sleepy, and I held him in my arms like you do a tiny baby. His arms were all in front and his hands folded right in front of my face. I sang softly to him and kissed his little hands during the breaks in the song, and he giggled quietly and looked at me with such adoration. I just sank into that moment with him. I don't get many cuddles from him; he's a pretty busy fellow. So those few minutes with him were immensely precious. 

Also tonight when I was putting him to bed, I read him an animal noises book, and he gets a kick out of the animal sounds in that book: chimp says "oo, oo", elephant says, "braloo", froggy says, "ribbit, ribbit". He laughs and looks at the picture with such interest. He's just a delightful little creature, and I can't get enough of him lately. 

I tickle him every time I get him ready for bed. It's part of our bedtime figurine routine, and he loves it! He has the sweetest little baby giggles. 

He stopped nursing completely a few weeks ago, around the beginning of the month. He just started throwing a fit whenever I tried to nurse him. And it happened a handful of times before I finally accepted that we were done. I was sad about it for several days, that we were done with that phase. But, I'm feeling okay about it now. 

I've been feeling a lot of spiritual growth the last few weeks, and feeling like I've received some revelation -- answers to questions I've had. Especially as I've been studying the last general conference talks. It's been a really great experience. I bought the journal edition of the last general conference, and I've been marking it up and noticing themes and making connections and writing my thoughts. I've loved it! In grateful for this today. 

Notes from Stake Relief Society conference

• God can do all things, he doesn't really NEED us -- he allows us to participate in his work, it is our privilege to do his work
• All he does is for us individually, what he allows us to struggle through, the work he calls us to do is for our own growth
• 5 things to learn from Sariah: faith, revelation, obedience, action, power in these things -- and they build on each other -- study sausage Sariah's life
• Even if the powers of hell combine against me, if my whole life falls apart, what then? I will still follow Christ, I will still keep my covenants, I will still be obedience, I will still follow the Spirir

Personal Revelation, covenants and power in the priesthood: 

• Patriarchal or family priesthood-- purpose is to increase our ability to be a great influence in the world and in our families
• Keeping our covenants gives us protection and power and preparation 
• Listen, record and act on any prompting we receive
• "Nothing opens the heavens quite like the combination of increased purity, exact obedience, earnest seeking, daily feasting on the words of Christ in the Book of Mormon, and regular time committed to temple and family history work. To be sure, there may be times when you feel as though the heavens are closed. But I promise that as you continue to be obedient, expressing gratitude for every blessing the Lord gives you, and as you patiently honor the Lord’s timetable, you will be given the knowledge and understanding you seek. Every blessing the Lord has for you—even miracles—will follow. That is what personal revelation will do for you" - president Nelson April 2018 GC
• "Sin-resistant generation"! President Russell M. Nelson told us a year ago: “Attacks against the Church, its doctrine, and our way of life are going to increase. Because of this, we need women who have a bedrock understanding of the doctrine of Christ and who will use that understanding to teach and help raise a sin-resistant generation. We need women who can detect deception in all of its forms. We need women who know how to access the power that God makes available to covenant keepers and who express their beliefs with confidence and charity. We need women who have the courage and vision of our Mother Eve.” October 2015 GC
• shorturl.at/ekyL5

Gratitude for All Things

• President oaks: "you can never get enough of what you don't need, because what you don't need won't satisfy."
• Looking for satisfaction based on the world's definitions or offers won't last
• Focusing on Christ satisfies and helps us to feel full
• Counting blessings and writing lists of things you're grateful for is a great springboard or starting point for becoming a grateful person and being "full"
• Allow yourself to sink deep into feelings of gratitude and happiness, let it be an experience in your heart and share it with Heavenly Father 
• Best kind of self care is allowing yourself to feel full, to be filled with Christ; Satan wants us to focus on what we lack, with the Savior we are enough
• Loaves and fishes-- Jesus blessed and then broke, and it was more than enough; sometimes we need to be broken to become enough with Christ. I feel like this happened to me this week. I was feeling some anxiety about Sawyer and about a persistent pain in my middle back and about how I was going to be able to do everything that was required and demanded of me. I was troubled in body and mind. I asked Daniel for a blessing on Wednesday night, after he came back from church visits, and since then my heart and mind have been at peace. I've found strength and calm and peace of mind. 
• Moroni 9:25 -- My son, be faithful in Christ; and may not the things which I have written grieve thee, to weigh thee down unto death; but may Christ lift thee up, and may his sufferings and death, and the showing his body unto our fathers, and his mercy and long-suffering, and the hope of his glory and of eternal life, rest in your mind forever.

Home-Centered Gospel Learning: how to survive and thrive

• It's most important to do something, even if it's not perfect 
• There are a lot of tools out there to help us teach our children the gospel
• Elder Holland talk about future, tomorrow and overwhelm..

 Our valentine's day. Daniel gave me flowers and he and I both had surprises for the kids. I bought them books and he had treats and balloons for them.

I made breakfast for everyone, we had church and zoom meetings. 

I made a nice dinner: artichokes and pizza and chocolate lava cakes for dessert. 

Our house is covered in hearts: paper hearts from the kids, heart sequins, heart decorations, heart balloons. It's been a fun valentine's day. I love this holiday, and the excuse it is to celebrate, show our love and eat yummy things. 

Yesterday morning we went to our friends house, the Tanners, for breakfast and had a good time visiting with them. 

It rained and then snowed all day and into the night, and it was beautiful! Lovely big flakes of snow falling, sometimes fast and hard, other times huge flakes falling slowly. I loved it all day long. Also, because of the snow, the birds have been coming to our trees for the little bird feeders we made with grandma Fern and put up. It's been fun the past couple of days to see all the little birds in our yard. I love them. 

Last night Daniel took me on a date. We went to Olive Garden and ate so much delicious food. Then we came home and watched the man from snowy river together... first time I've ever seen it. 

It's been a fun weekend. Unfortunately, I've been living and not taking any pictures of the living. No pictures this weekend. 

 Jack: Mom, when you die, I want to get a new mom that lets me and Brooke and Camille have 2 fruit snacks a day. 

Me: you want me to die?! (Also laughing hysterically)

Jack: yea, I want a new mom. 

Me, totally offended and also laughing so hard I can't breathe.

We had preschool at our house today, and it was so fun! We did valentine's type activities: made pink play dough, did a painted valentine for their moms, read valentines books. I loved every second! This is such a great preschool group, the kids are so fun and they all get along. 

Today I'm grateful for Sawyer having a good day. He had a couple of okay naps, but he was still cheerful and cute. He's very vocal these days, making so much noise and enjoying his little voice. It makes me laugh. ❤

Also feeling grateful that I had a good day. The house was a mess, but I was in a good mood. I ignored the mess and any negative feelings I would associate with it, and soaked in my cute children and what they were doing. Camille and Jack were best buddies today, playing with the pink play dough and with the bean bin (sensory bin). They played so well and kept saying they were "best buddies". Brooke made chocolate chip cookies and made a couple of funny mistakes (salt instead of sugar). She had to start over... a couple of times. 🤣 And Sawyer just wanted to eat. I love them. 

Jack took a nap with me this afternoon. I said I was sleepy and asked if he wanted to lay down with me when he came into my room. He brought his blanket and laid down in my bed with me. I closed my eyes and peeked on him occasionally, and his eyes were almost always closed. Eventually, he fell asleep. And so did I. 🥰

 Thursday I had a couple of big mom fails: 

Sawyer fell down the stairs. I was putting his clothes away and I heard him going into the hall. He's had a couple of close calls recently; he crawls to the top of the stairs and we get him just before he topples down. But this time, I was very close to finishing what I was doing, and I heard him tumble down just as I was done. I felt terrible, and watched him closely to make sure nothing was really wrong. (Nothing seemed to be) 

I missed both girls parent teacher conferences. 🤦🏽‍♀️ Brooke's was on Wednesday, and I didn't even know about it until it was already over. And when I realized that, I quick made an appointment with Camille's teacher for Thursday. But my friend Mary came over with her kids to hang out (my friend from high school, we haven't seen each other since Daniel and I got married); and, even though they left in plenty of time, I completely forgot. My mind wasn't even in that place. 

It's been a week of mom fails. Next week will be better. 

On the bright side, yesterday was much better. I got all my morning routine done before I took Jack to preschool at 930am, which felt amazing. I did all the floors (sweeping, mopping and vacuuming) in the basement and ground floor, which felt amazing. The whole house (except certain bedrooms) was clean and tidy for a whole hour! We had a bunch of kids over for play dates, and then the girls and Daniel and I had a movie night and watched "Annie". No mom fails. Good day. I'm glad the week ended well. It did not start well. 

For the couple weeks I missed: 

Mom and dad came last week for a week, Sunday to Sunday. They came to see us and to help Brian and Sammy with their new baby. She was born on the 11th of January, and she's so sweet and cute! Her name is Summer. 🥰

We did fun things with them. Watched comedy. Crafts with the kids. Cafe Rio lunch. Chatted a bunch. Made cinnamon rolls. They stayed with us, and it was a nice time we had when they were here with us. 

Brian and Sammy came Saturday before mom and dad left, so we got to meet their new baby. She's so little and perfect. She makes Sawyer look like a giant. 

That week they were here, Daniel was at an Elder's Quorum activity, and mom and dad were at Sammy. I was having an off day, feeling very tired of people in general -- tired of validating people and sparing feelings and walking on eggshells and being snubbed. So my friend, DeAnna came over that night, spontaneously. She brought treats and we chatted and it was just so nice. Another friend sent me a marco polo that night, too. And between the 2 of them, I felt much better.

Sawyer started scooting and army crawling so much better, and he cut a couple of new teeth on the top. He's getting so big so fast! His naps are still all over the place. But I think I've figured out his rhythm better (it has more to do with his awake window than a set naptime), and he doesn't refuse to nap anymore. But he doesn't always take a good nap. This baby is also quite an active little person. He barely nurses anymore, and he doesn't even take a bottle well. It's like he has much better things to do than eat! 😂 That's not something I understand, haha! He just wants to crawl around and play with things and explore. No time to cuddle, no time to eat. It's simultaneously fun and sad for me. I'd love some more cuddles. But he just wants to look around.

We started Camille on growth hormone therapy about a week ago, on the 28th. A nurse came to show us how to give the shots and give us instructions. She stayed for about an hour, and each of us practiced giving the shot on a little pillow. Even Brooke and Camille gave the pillow a shot. Camille was totally cool with the whole thing... until it was time to give her the shot. THEN she ran upstairs and hid under our bed. We had to go pull her out, and Daniel had to restrain her (kicking and screaming and struggling) while I gave the shot. We picked her little bum cheeks for the first spot, because we thought it'd be helpful if she can't see it. And the nurse had to oversee the whole thing. She was so nice about it, though, so non-judgemental. She said that she's seen it all, when going into people's homes for growth hormone therapy. She said that Camille's reaction was totally normal. 

The next day, she was cool as a cucumber when we were giving her shot. She didn't struggle at all, just got a little jittery right before I gave it to her. Since then, it's been up and down. Sometimes it's a struggle and sometimes it's not. I think it'll be a while before it's not a struggle ever.

 How Jack says "key-rayshun" when he's saying "creation". He brings to show me many "key-rayshuns" every single day. 🥰

How forgiving Camille is, even when I freak out over nothing. Like her stuffing a big handful of cashews in her mouth right before dinner, after I told her to put them back, for example. She gave me hugs and kisses and told me she loved me 15 minutes later. And she wasn't mad at me at all. 

How much Brooke loves Harry Potter and wants to read it all the time. We're at the part where Harry is in the chamber of secrets. 

How well she's progressing with piano. 

How Camille and Jack played so well together this afternoon. They made this parade and town together. 😍

Had a number of mom fails today. I forced Camille to do her growth hormone shot by myself tonight, and it was traumatic. For both of us. She screamed, and afterwards I noticed some burst blood cells in her face, underneath her eyes. 

I made Brooke feel bad, when she'd already had a hard day. I went on and on about how little time I have as a mother, trying to help her understand something we disagreed about. But in the end I think made her feel like a burden. She then told me about her hard day at school and some of the things she worries about. We made up and had some good bonding time. I wish it didn't come at that cost, though. 

Jack wouldn't go to sleep tonight after I put him to bed and I got pretty angry at him. 

It's the first week of the month, which means Daniel's working late every night. Which means I fly solo at bedtime. Which makes me cranky because it takes so long and each kid makes it difficult in their own way. 

Tired. Not getting enough sleep. Been waking up early to workout and read scriptures. Which I love, because I can do it alone and not be interrupted by kids. But not going to be early enough for that. Been getting stress headaches. 

Had a short break in the middle of the day, after putting Sawyer down. But kids found me after approximately 5 minutes. 😩 

Love my kids. Love them so hard. But last 2 days, it's been hard finding the joy. Probably more to do with sleep than anything else. 

Jack is fully potty trained!!! 🎉🎉🎉 

Sawyer cut top 2 teeth. He's been a little cranky too. 

Played games with Camille for a while this afternoon for the win. It was fun to hang out with her.