Fun Things We've Done

• Ryker's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's: the girls and I went together; we had pizza and cake, they gave us a cup full of tokens, and we went around trying to find fun games. Camille was too young to really enjoy most of the games. But she had fun dancing to the music and eating, and there were some little moving rides that she had fun with. Brooke loved trying all new games and collecting the tickets. We had a fun time. 

•  Date Night at home with Date Box: one of my gifts to Daniel for Christmas was Date Box. It didn't come until halfway through January. We loved it! We made cake pops and painted pictures and chatted.

• Scooter's Jungle for Elliot's birthday: was so fun! Camille mostly wandered around and played with the toys there. She loved the little cars to ride, and the little roller coaster track to slide down. Towards the end, she went into one of the play houses and bounced and ran around. I went in one time with her, which was a mistake, on account of my huge belly and it being really painful trying to get out again. At the beginning, Brooke followed some kids up the huge slide, which really surprised me. So I went over and waited at the bottom and yelled up to her to come down. I didn't think she'd go down, because she's such a cautious little thing. But after about 5 minutes, she surprised me and slid down; arms straight out, stiff as a board, but down she came. And she laughed and giggled when she was done. She LOVED it! And she spent the rest of our time there on that slide, climbing up and sliding down again. So fun!

•  We started preschool up again, at our house a couple weeks ago. Brooke's glad to be back doing preschool with her friends again, and I have a renewed look at it. Trying to stay positive about it. 

 And Brooke, watching a documentary. Because she's cool like that. She's been obsessed lately with learning new things. "What are we gonna learn about today, Mom?" "Can we learn things today, Mom?" I love it!

Since Then

Since Jennie's leaving, and now that we are towards the end of January, I've been thinking a lot about this coming year, goals, and the things that I want to accomplish.

It's funny. When I was a kid, I always hated the end of Christmas, because it meant all the fun was over. All the lights and decorations would be taken down; we wouldn't be listening to Christmas music anymore; no more Christmas treats, no looking forward to giving and receiving gifts. It was kind of a downer, a few days after Christmas.

But now that I'm an adult, the beginning of a new year brings just as much excitement and anticipation as Christmas does. What new things are in store for this year? What kinds of things do I get to work on? How am I going to change and become better this year? It's a fresh start! A new beginning! A chance to change things! And I always feel a renewed vigor and excitement, an added measure of drive and encouragement to jump in a work.

This year I've especially felt that way. This Christmas was a rough one, for some reason. I've always felt that the Christmas season is the time when I feel the most growth in my testimony. I tend to have experiences and opportunities to feel the Spirit more than other times of the year. And I guess I've started to sort of depend on that in a way. Looking forward to Christmas, not only for the fun traditions that I've always loved, but also for the little bump in my testimony and spirituality. This year was not that way. And it's hard to pinpoint a reason why. It could be that I spent most of the month sick. Or that this pregnancy has been difficult. It could be that I have struggled with motherhood lately, or that I've just been down in the dumps for months. But whatever it was, this Christmas wasn't as special as usual, and it was, in a way, a disappointment. Sure, we still had fun, and we still did all of our usual Christmas things. And our trip to Utah was a big success, in my opinion. But I feel like I NEEDED that extra measure of the Spirit this year.

The last few months of 2016 were rough, just for me personally. Daniel and the girls were all healthy and relatively happy, and we went along our business as usual. But I struggled. Again, it's hard to point at one particular thing and say, "This is why I've been down!" and then go about trying to change it or fix it or deal with it. I was so excited about the prospect of having another baby. I felt like Daniel and I were ready, that the timing felt right, and it all seemed to fall into place. And, like usual, it didn't take us very long to succeed conceiving. And we were all abuzz with anticipation waiting until we could take the test to see if we were welcoming another baby into our family. We took the test. It was positive. And almost immediately, I felt a huge letdown. I feel almost ashamed at admitting this. I've been fighting the way I have felt, because it shouldn't be this way. It wasn't this way with the girls. I was always just excited, even when I had those little discomforts of pregnancy. This was different. All of a sudden, I wasn't excited. I was dreading it. And just like that, as often happens, when I have a little mental slip, Satan rushes in and does his best to exacerbate the situation. Self-doubt and depression plagued me for at least that first trimester ... actually, quite a bit into the second one, too.

Are you really fit to be a mother to 3 children? You can barely handle the 2 you've got! You're temper flares up too much. You don't have enough patience. You're whole life is going to be different with 3. You've always valued good health and fitness; you know that's all going down the drain ... now that you're having 3, right? And also the things you used to enjoy? Yea, you won't have anymore time to do those things. You're house will always be a wreck. Especially since your 2 little children won't even pick up their toys when they're done. Having 3 mess-makers and not a one of them helping ... well, just give it up. Life will get immensely harder from here on out. What ever made you think you could have a whole slew of kids? Huh?

 All of these thoughts, and more, were constantly rolling and whirling around in my head. I found it hard to get up in the morning. There was no more joy in motherhood. What was the point? My life was obviously just a constant uphill battle with no reprieve. On top of this, I was sick with pregnancy, and then once I was done with pregnant-related sickness, I got the worst cold ever that lasted a month and a half, all throughout the holidays. It seemed like I just couldn't catch a break. I wasn't cooking. I was barely cleaning. I didn't get dressed or ready much (only when forced, really). And my poor girls had to deal with a totally grumpy, depressed, subdued mom that got after them for stupid things and laid around all day. (I may be exaggerating a little, but not much. I was feeling pretty low)

And like I said, I felt guilty for feeling this way and for behaving this way. And how could something so fundamental to who I thought I was (having children and wanting children) change in almost an instant? It was a dark few months.

And so, like I said, I felt like Christmas-time would offer some solace, some reprieve from the torment I was experiencing in my head. I participated in the Stake Christmas program, because I love it and that always tends to help me feel the Spirit at Christmas-time. And I planned out gifts that I thought my family would enjoy, treats that I thought my friends would like. I tried doing all my usual Christmas things. But ... I continued feeling (about my life) how I'd been feeling; and not any closer to God or the Savior. I felt like I NEEDED that boost; but I didn't get it. It was a bit of a let-down.

SO. When the New Year finally rolled around, reared it's beautiful head, and we got back home, I suddenly felt ... refreshed. I think it was a great tender mercy and blessing from the Lord. I just needed a new start, a clean slate, so to speak. A virtual ending to a hard period. And it's funny. Because nothing really changed. I was still me. I was still pregnant. I still had 2 little girls, that I love to death, but that occasionally drive me crazy. I still struggle on the daily with motherhood, and wondering if I'm doing anything right, or if I'm just ruining my kids. Nothing really changed. Except that the year was over, a new one was starting, and in my mind, it was a chance to do better, and to feel better, and to bring myself closer to God. What I apparently needed just came a little later than I wanted it and thought I needed it. My timing vs. God's timing, perhaps? I prayed desperately to feel better and to have a change in heart and mind. And I expected it to happen during Christmas. But maybe Heavenly Father knew that I just needed to wait for that fresh start that comes with New Years.

I have felt SO MUCH BETTER this month than I have since finding out we were expecting. It's almost like I don't even remember how hard it was. Maybe I'm just exaggerating what really happened? In my mind? But no. It was real. And I've been blessed this month.

Well. I did not mean for this post to turn into a long-winded story about my recent struggles. But I guess, I didn't much feel like writing during that time ... which I didn't ... and maybe it was time I get it all off of my chest. Like I said. Fresh starts.

Since Jennie left, I've been trying to decide what it is that I want to work for this month. Trying to set goals and such. As a stay-at-home-mom, I feel like setting goals is in one sense really easy, and in another, really hard. Easy because, let's face it, I am basically like my own employer. I set my own time. I call all the shots in how I run my house and what I do with my day (I mean, obviously Daniel is partner in household and parenting, and such. But since he's gone most of the time, it's mainly just me). So, I could set whatever goals I want. Really. Whatever I feel like I want to learn or do, I can.

But on the other hand, I have no set timelines. I have no real guidelines. I get stumped by questions like, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Where do you want to see yourself in 5 years?" "If you were painting a picture of you living your dream, what would it look like?" These kinds of questions imply big changes, big dreams. But ... as I thought about it the other day ... I think I'm practically living my dream! I have a wonderful and loving husband, my best friend, someone I can confide in and work together with. I have two of the most beautiful creatures on the earth, and another little bundle on the way. I have a truly lovely home and all that I need. I'm free and safe and happy. This is what I wanted. So, if you are living your dream, ... how do you answer questions like those? Where do my dreams go from here?

My long-term aspirations are at once grand and simple. My home and family is everything. It's my job, my life, my love and passion. My ultimate goal is to lead my family to God. I want my family to be spiritually safe (and physically safe) in a treacherous world. I want them to learn obedience and happiness and goodness. My dream is to see all of my children seated in the temple one day, and then, eventually, in the Celestial Kingdom. So, how do I go about accomplishing this VERY long-term goal?

1. Take care of their physical well-being -- which I feel I do, to a very satisfactory level
2. Take care of their spiritual well-being: weekly church attendance, FHE every week, scripture study and family prayers -- all of which, we currently do
3. Take care of their emotional well-being, learning and development -- which, I work on, constantly, because I'm not sure exactly how best to do this. But we play together, we learn colors and shapes and letters and counting together. We learn how to walk and run, ride bikes, do puzzles and games, etc. We're working on it. 
4. Have some fun -- which, ... we do!

There are many ways to improve these specific areas of my life. And there are many goals I could make. But for this year, considering I'm having a baby soon, considering that I'll have to figure out how to be a mother of 3, these are the goals I'm working on:

1.  Attend the temple every month until Baby comes
2. Work harder on saying morning prayers
3. Read 25 Newbury Award books
4. Learn to use our camera better
5. Finish decorating the living room 

And I'll likely make little goals for every month. There are projects I need to finish and things I want to try (like I have to make a baby boy book and blanket). But whatever I decide to do this year, it's gonna be a good year. I've already been working really hard at my goals, and I feel so good and like I've got my stuff together. Now, granted, that will not last. Having it all together only seems to last a little while, before a relapse. BUT for now, things are going well.

Jennie's Visit

What a time we had with Jennie! She left today, early in the morning; and the girls were kind of sad and missed her today. But we had a lot of fun while she was here.

We tried to think of fun things that we could do with her down in LA, but there were a few complications: 1) it was pretty rainy while she was here; 2) Camille got really sick about halfway through her visit, and I just didn't feel like I should/could drag poor little sick Camille everywhere; 3) we're all a little too cheap to do anything too expensive.

Despite these things, she did get to do a few fun things with us.

First -- Disneyland!!! The Allens, in our ward, have passes to Disneyland and have offered to get us in for free! So we arranged to have them take us when Jennie was here. It was SUPER rainy at Disneyland that day. We had to stop at a Wal-Mart to get an umbrella and some ponchos just to survive the day. It was still great fun, though. We hit a lot of the kids rides when it was raining, because the crowds seemed a little less than usual. Camille seemed scared at first about a lot of the rides and didn't want to go; but we made her, and once the things got going, she loved them!

It stopped raining in the early afternoon and was clear for the rest of the day. That was kind of nice, but also, it got really busy in the afternoon once it cleared up. And Camille got really tired and cranky in the afternoon. She kept falling asleep, but then not stay asleep for longer than 15 or 20 minutes. After her second or third mini nap, though, she perked up a little and was quite the little trooper as we dragged her around. Daniel and Jennie went to do a few of the big kid rides, and I'm glad they did. Jennie really seemed to want to go on certain rides. And I didn't mind staying with the kids and taking them on some rides. ...That is, until Camille threw up. And then things got a little ... interesting. She threw up right at the end of the Jungle Cruise. We put the whole boat out of commission, and I felt kind of bad, but I'm sure they deal with that all the time.

Camille seemed a little out of it after that. But she didn't ever throw up again, and she didn't seem to have a fever (until we got home). I took the girls back to Fantasyland to do a few more rides over there while we waited for Daniel and Jennie. And Camille seemed okay. Even when we did the Teacups, she seemed to really like it! We even got to see parts of the Light Parade, which was really fun.

We left after traffic died down, and stopped at a Wendy's for food (I was starving). Camille went right to sleep once we started driving, and eventually Brooke started nodding off. But what made Jennie and I laugh was that she was still eating her chicken nuggets while she was falling asleep. It was so funny and cute! She was chewing and closing her eyes, and Jennie tried stealing one of her nuggets, and she woke right up. We cracked up!

Second -- Daniel took Jennie to the Ghetty Museum one Saturday. I stayed home with the girls because Camille ended up getting the flu and was pretty sick. But they got to go in the afternoon and I think they had a lot of fun. And they came home with Pizza Rev, which was fun for me! :)

Third -- well ... Jennie came with us to the park a couple of times and went on walks with us. Which I'm sure wasn't super thrilling for her, but it was a nice chance for us to get out of the house.

Other than that, we mostly played games together (we got her addicted to Dominion) and watched movies. And she played with the girls a ton. They loved playing with Aunt Jennie, and she was a pretty awesome playmate for them too.

I'm glad Jennie came to visit us. She'll be leaving on her mission in a few weeks, and it was nice we got to spend this time with her before she's gone for a while. But on the other hand, I was now home, in my own house, thinking about a new year and goals and things I'd like to change and accomplish, making lists in my head of things I wanted to do. And I felt like I couldn't really do any of it while she was here. I had to place all of this pent up excitement and energy and drive on hold for the couple of weeks that she was here. So, while I'm really glad she came, truly, ... it was also just a bit frustrating for me. Now that she's left, I can start to focus on this year. And all the things I'm going to try to do.

New Years and Trip Home

New Years Eve was a fun day for us. We spent the morning doing laundry and packing things up and such. Then we met up with Kathryn Smith and her boyfriend for lunch at a Thai Restaurant. It was so good to see her! I was a little worried that things would be a little weird between us, for a number of reasons: 1) we haven't been all that close since Daniel and I got married -- we just sort of drifted apart at that time, and haven't been that great at keeping up with each other; 2) we're just in different places right now, and I sort of feel like I am where she wants to be, and that she might resent me a little bit for it; 3) we haven't talked in a long while, I wondered if we'd have much to talk to each other about. But my worries were unfounded. She seemed as thrilled to see us as I was to see her, and there was no weirdness. We just sort of fell back into what it was like before. And she seems to have healed a lot and to be really happy now.

We drove straight out to Bowman and Stephanie's house after lunch with Kathryn, to spend the day and night with them. It was pretty cold and snowy, especially out where they live. And Brooke got all bundled up with Danny and Maya to play in the snow with Bowman for a while. She looked so cute in all of her borrowed snow gear, and she had such a wonderful time playing out in the snow with her cousins. Later, the kids took a bath together: Brooke, Danny, Maya, and Camille; and they had a great time, while Stephanie and I made some Korean food together. We fed the kids and put them to bed before we could sit down to eat, but MAN! was that food so good! I severely overate. Haha!

That night, to celebrate the New Year, we played some games, had some good food and treats, drank some sparkling cider (of course), made some noise, and stayed up WAY too late. We had a really good time with them.

We woke up late (especially me ... I was still pretty sick and didn't sleep super well), got ready quickly and went to church with them. Which I literally slept through. I've never skipped out on meetings before, but I sure did that day. All through Sacrament meeting, I felt light-headed and a bit dizzy, and I was having a hard time breathing well. That had happened a bit before, and I always wrote it off as pregnancy difficulty, which I'm sure contributes. But that day it was worse, and I thought I probably just needed to rest. So, at a particularly difficult moment in Sunday School, I excused myself to walk around a bit, get a drink and sit down. ...And I promptly fell asleep, ...and slept all the way through the rest of the meetings! It was kind of strange, and I felt a bit guilty about skipping church. But I felt a whole lot better after that.

After church, We drove back out to Gramma and Grampa's house to spend our last night with them. We just played games and talked, and packed. Brian and his fiance, Sammy, came out to hang out with us and to deliver some Christmas presents from Mom and Dad. The girls loved hanging out with Uncle Brian and opening another bunch of presents (mostly coloring stuff and a couple of cute, fluffy bears). And Brian stuck around for a while to play games, which was fun.

The next day, we woke up as early as we could and left for home. Jennie accompanied us for the trip back, which was fun. She came back to spend a week and a half with us. The drive was about like the drive to Utah -- the girls were pretty happy and chill, and were especially that way this time because somebody always had to be in the back seat with them. They even got a pretty good nap, while everyone else in the car was sleeping. :) We got home pretty late. But, man! It felt good to be home. We had quite a fun trip and did so many fun things. But it always feels good to be in your own place again.