February 11, 2009

Wednesday

We are going to do another typed journal entry, because, once again, there is too much to write, and too little time to write it all out as opposed to typing it.

Last week, the week of February 1-7, was a very intense and emotional week. As I’ve mentioned before, I am sure, Daniel and I had fought a little that weekend, the last weekend in January, and Daniel was starting to get nervous about getting married. I didn’t handle it very well. After getting back from the RC in the MTC Sunday night, I was a little moody (or rather, really moody), and I didn’t treat Dan very well. That made Monday hard; it was hard to focus on school and studying. But after school, I went to FHE and was cheered up substantially. We made little origami hearts and got to know our new group. When Alison and I went home, Dan was laying down on our couch, waiting for me. We talked, but only a very little, he kept apologizing for making me feel the way I felt. And I got upset again, not only because of this, but I also felt selfish and stupid for feeling upset. He had a right to be nervous about marrying me; I was just as nervous about him for several months. As we were talking, he told me something interesting. He had talked to his mother that day, about the whole thing, about how he’s having doubts. She told him, in essence, that she thinks he should marry me, that we are a great match and that she thinks I’m awesome. He asked, “what about my doubts, though?” and she said to just marry me anyways. That’s nice to know. That she likes me and is sort of rooting for me. I was so upset when he left, though, that I just went to my room and cried for a while.

Kat came in and talked to me about it. I told her I was feeling hurt and scared. I knew what I had chosen, but he kept going back and forth, and I was convinced he wasn’t going to pick me. If he really loved me, he wouldn’t keep going back and forth like he was, so he must not want to marry me, right? I had been thinking that day, and the day before, that we might just want to take a break again, so that he could figure himself out. As I talked to Kathryn, I decided that’s what I should do.

So, I went over that night to talk to him about how I was feeling, to tell him I was decided and he would eventually have to decide as well or I’d be gone, how I feel hurt that he questions my spirituality, etc. I said we needed to take a break, and he said he didn’t want to, but he would because I was having such a hard time. I left his apartment feeling a lot better, surprisingly. I think I needed to do that, it was a good move.

That night, in my prayers, I told Heavenly Father how I’d been feeling, how scared I was and such. I said to Him that I had decided and Daniel was having a hard time of it; I said I was done trying to convince myself that it was right and good. And I made Him a deal. I would stop worrying about it, stop questioning my decision, and the rest I would leave up to Him and Daniel. If it was right, Dan would pick me, and if it wasn’t, we would break up, and I would move on, knowing that it was wrong. I slept really easy that night.

The next few days were not as bad as they could have been. Tuesday and Wednesday I went about my days, ignoring my phone and studying and relaxing, and getting more sleep than I had in a long time. I took a molecular biology lab exam on Wednesday. And I worked out a bunch. But I wasn’t worrying about it. I was thinking about Daniel, and at times I would feel a little anxious; but I had left it all in the Lord’s hands, and I was giving it up to faith. I knew whatever happened would be for my good. Of course, that didn’t stop me from hoping Daniel would get over his fears. But I felt so much peace during those days. It was quite incredible. My mother called me on Tuesday to see how I was doing. I told her about everything that had gone on. She was surprised that we were on another break. I’m sure she thought it was ridiculous, but there you go. We talked about it for over an hour; I had a good cry about it. But she said that she thought I was making a wise decision, and that I was thinking about the whole thing correctly. It was funny, because the next day, I got calls from nearly every one of my family members. Diane called, Julie called, Dad called…I didn’t talk to all of them, but they were all really supportive, and I felt super-grateful for my wonderful family. They are all so good to me. And they were all so worried about the whole thing and about me, which was nice, but wholly unnecessary.  I was fine, as I mentioned before. Feeling better than I had in days, actually.

For the three days after that Monday when we started breaking, Dan left me roses. Each day he left a few flowers with a note. The first one was confusing (to not just me, I might add; I asked everyone if I was missing something); it said, “IL” and that was it. Over the next days, though, the message was complete: “I Love Leslie.” The last card had an image of a man crawling out of a doghouse, which I found hilarious.

Thursday night, late (I was all ready for bed and everything), Daniel called and said he wanted to talk. I got super-nervous, I don’t know why, but I couldn’t focus on what I was doing. I think I already knew what he wanted to talk about; he was going to choose me. That didn’t stop my heart from beating really fast, or my whole body from shivering constantly. He came over several minutes later, and we talked outside. He said he loved me and wanted to marry and that he was sorry for doubting me and he didn’t want to be on a break anymore. And that was the end of it. Man, I’m like a puppy! All he had to do was come back, and I had no backbone anymore. No pride! …maybe that’s a good thing. Anyway, we hugged and kissed a lot, talked a little, and then he left and I went to bed.

Last weekend, Dan had to train for the army, so I spent Friday alone. I stayed on campus until I was done with school, came home, took a nap, did a lot of studying, ate, worked out, and then scrapbooked, all night long. No one else was in the apartment, I was all alone. So I ate and put on some Gilmore Girls and Scrapbooked until 2:00 in the morning. It was wonderful! So wonderful, in fact, that I almost missed something really big, because I wanted to do it again the following night.

Kat talked to me on Friday about doing a double date with her and Mike and Daniel up in Salt Lake City. The plan was to meet Dan and go ice skating up there. I called Dan about doing it with them, but he made it sound like he might not be able to get off work in time to go, so we would be tentatively planning on it. Well, I thought about that, and I decided if there was a chance that he might not be able to go, what was the point? We wouldn’t go, we would just plan on that some other time when we for sure could. Next morning, before going to an enrichment meeting, I told Kathryn that we probably wouldn’t go with them.

Alison and I went to campus together Saturday. There was an enrichment meeting about preparing for the future and saving money and what-not. It was really good and made me want to be better about things like that. There was a lunch afterward that was really good, and then we split to go do some studying. I went to practice the piano for ward choir, and then I stopped by the bookstore to get some scrapbooking supplies, and then printed off some pictures of Daniel and me. I went to the gym before going home and I had a really good work out. I ran for about half an hour, and then lifted weights. I talked to Daniel earlier in the day about not going on the date, and he sounded like he really wanted to go. So I agreed to go. Then I went home and started getting ready for a hot date with my man.

We drove up to Salt Lake City and met Daniel at a Thai restaurant for dinner. The food was SO good, and we had a lot of fun together. Then we went ice skating at an outdoor rink, which was really fun. I noticed that Dan was acting a little bit different than usual. Not bad, just different, more affectionate and paying a lot of attention to me, it seemed. I didn’t mind, naturally, so I didn’t really pay any attention to it. After ice skating, Kathryn mentioned there was a cool park she really wanted to go to, Memory Grove, so we all went up there. We walked around, looking at all the statues and memorials. Dan wanted to lose Kat and Mike, so we started walking up the road a ways faster than they were. We crossed the stream at some bridge to head back toward the car (or so I thought). But somewhere in the middle of the walk back, we sat down on a bench and started talking. Not about anything really big and important, we were probably teasing each other and talking about getting married. Kat and Mike came up looking for us and said they were going to go back to the car. After a few minutes, Dan asked if we should go too, and I got up to go. But he stayed put. We hugged and kissed, and I probably made some funny comment about getting married. He said, in response, something like, “so…if I propose…?” I chuckled a little and said, “oh, yea…” sort of brushing it off. He dropped to one knee and proposed! I was shocked. I didn’t think he was serious, and I wasn’t at all expecting it. I said yes, of course. He put a ring on my finger … the ring he gave me for Christmas! It’s too big, and I was worried that it would fly off.

We walked back to the car, all excited. I was in shock, but excited. He was just really excited. It was cute. We called my family that night. Apparently, they’d been expecting it all day. Dan called my dad after he talked to me about going. Dad said he was really impressed by that. Everyone was really excited. Mom and Mary especially are really excited. They informed me that they would tell EVERYONE about it. They did. The next day at church.

Dan had to work the next day, so we left him in Salt Lake City. I cried on the way home. Not because we left Dan. I was just so happy and excited and grateful, I couldn’t help it. It was a really great night.

Next day at church, Kathryn announced the engagement in Relief Society. I wasn’t going to, so she felt the need. Everyone screamed with delight and excitement. It was kinda fun. I was swarming with girls afterwards asking me how he did it and wanting to see my ring, etc. I had a hard time focusing on much else. I hope God understands.

The last few days have been a little weird, surreal. I’m engaged. We’ve been calling people and telling them. We changed our status on facebook. I think I’ve told our engagement story far more times than I wanted to; it is kind of fun to talk about, though. I put tape around my ring, so that it would not fall off. It’s still way loose, but at least it stays on. We are working on getting a real ring now. But just having a ring on that finger makes me feel very self-conscious. On Monday, I caught myself either hiding my hand from view or sort of flashing it around. It’s like I don’t know what to do with it now. It’s kind of funny. Mom is so excited about the wedding, she’s already booked the temple for May 23^rd, and she’s got a whole bunch of things planned. Yesterday, Dan, Amanda and I went to the Draper Temple Open House (which was great, by the way; it’s a very pretty temple), and while we were gone, she left 4 messages on my phone…all about wedding stuff! I’m glad she’s excited, and not scared, like she was with Julie. Everyone loves Dan, so that helps. It’s great to have everyone’s support.

It was a little strange going through the Draper Temple yesterday with Dan. We were sitting in a sealing room and I just thought about getting married and how this commitment is HUGE and forever. I really love Dan, he’s the BEST man ever! But it doesn’t keep me from feeling a little nervous. Forever is a long time. We decided, though. We are going to be the happiest married couple ever, so we’re fine. It really is going to be amazing, and I know it’s what I’m supposed to do. So I just need to suck it up, not let the nervousness get to me.

This week is crazy for me. I have 2 tests in the next 3 days and 2 tests at the beginning of next week. Plus all of my regular homework and all of that. And this weekend is Valentine’s Day weekend, so I have things to do for Daniel. And it is a 3-day weekend, which makes me really bitter against all of my professors. It’s too much. And now I’m engaged, and we have to start making wedding plans, and all of that, especially if we are getting married in May. Crazy! I have no idea how it’s all going to get done. Oh, maybe I should stop writing and start studying. It’ll all happen somehow. It always does.

Leslie Fernandez

PS – You know, now I have to change my name…this is all too strange!