Last week was a rough week emotionally for me. As I told Daniel one night last week when he could tell that I wasn't doing well, I feel like my confidence and overthinking of things was pretty bad when we were living in California, made worse by the fact that I didn't have really close friends there. But when we moved here, I just decided I was going to be myself and not worry so much, and people could just take me or leave me as I was. And I feel like in doing that I 1) made some really good friends, better than I've had in a long time; and 2) felt much more confident and happy. But since I became relief society president a year ago, I've kinds of reverted back to how it was in California. I overthink what I say and worry so much about how people perceive me and my actions. I think it's because, as a RS president, I feel like I'm constantly being scrutinized and watched by members of the ward and stake, and so I am hyper-conscious of what I am doing and saying and how it's going to be taken by other people. It's been really, really hard, actually, and I feel like I am constantly battling those things. 

Anyway. Last week, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown and went a little bit numb. I sometimes can't stop my brain from going over all the humiliating things I've said and done and examining it from every negative and critical angle. So, that happened with something that happened with another person (I honestly don't remember the incident... maybe in my emotionally numb state, my brain blocked it out), and I just couldn't emotionally handle it. So I got pretty down in the dumps and, like I said, numb. I was very mellow and my social battery was dead for most of the week, and I didn't even start coming out of it until about Friday. 

As a result, I didn't feel like writing or looking at the things I'm grateful for or really trying at anything. So I just didn't write. But we had some fun things happen the last few days. 

On Wednesday we went to Daniel's parent's house for dinner because Aleah was visiting for their kids spring break. 

On Thursday I checked Brooke and her friends out of school at lunchtime to go to the Timpanogos temple for baptisms. 

On Friday, I had a neighbor watch Sawyer so that I could be a chaperone for Camille's field trip, which was so fun and I'm glad I did it. I was worried about leaving Sawyer for so many hours. But he did really well at her house, and seemed fine when I picked him up. Camille and a couple of her friends were assigned to my group, and I was tasked with taking them around the museum of natural history in SLC to each floor and help them explore different parts. They also had an assignment to work on while they were there that focused on one exhibit of the museum. It was pretty fun, actually. We brought sack lunches and ate at the end of our time at the museum before getting back in the bus to go back to the school. It felt very good, being able to spend that time with Camille and volunteering in her class. 

Also on Friday, Daniel and I went on a date to dinner and see the new Snow White movie, which was fun. 

On Saturday we got new furniture: a bunk bed for one of the upstairs bedrooms and a side table for the dining room, and we spent time dejunking and reorganizing and cleaning up. 

Also on Saturday, the girls spent some time preparing a little surprise for me, which Daniel sent to me today: a little audiobook that Brooke recorded on Daniel's phone of the first of a series of books that the girls love. I started listening to it tonight while doing the dishes and it is absolutely adorable. Why are my kids so cute and sweet? I just can't handle it. 

Today, during the Sacrament, I looked over and saw Jack bowing his head in prayer. And my heart may actually have exploded. It was such a sweet and tender sight. My sweet little boy. I love watching my kids as they gain their own faith and testimony and relationship with God. 

Friday

How I've seen the hand of the Lord today: Sammy asked me to go to lunch a couple of months ago, and we finally made it happen today. Sometime either yesterday or today, it dawned on me (translation: I was probably inspired by the Spirit) that she likely wanted to talk to me about my sisters. 

Background info: the relationship between Sammy and Melanie and my sisters (Julie and Schpuck) has been difficult and tense. When they are with each other, mostly things are fine and they all get along. But there have been hurt feelings on many sides, and it's just not been an easy thing. 

So, the Spirit whispered to me, "She's going to want to talk to you about your sisters." I feel like Heavenly Father was preparing me for the conversation, and it allowed me to say a little prayer about it, to help me know what to say and to help me be wise in what I say and what I keep back. 

I think for the most part, the conversation went well. Sammy has been hurt by them recently, and she's now ultra sensitive to offense by them, which she recognizes isn't good and probably needs to change. I tried not to say too much, and feel I was mostly successful with that. I tried to give some good advice about how Sammy can help along get relationships with my sisters, and I feel I was partially successful with that. I think the best advice I gave was that she pray to know what she can specifically do to strengthen her relationships with them, that she seek specific ways. I know her and I know my sisters, and I can give some advice. But Heavenly Father knows them all better than I do and knows perfectly how to help. 

Tonight's I took my boys to the Belmont sponsored mom and sons Ninja Night, which was so fun. There was a pizza dinner and treats and fun activities and obstacle courses. I was pretty cautious, doing the course with the boys. My body is getting older, and I didn't want to throw my back out. 😆 But we had a good time together! 

Saturday

We did a bunch of cleaning and organizing and house projects today, including the kids. And then I made a cake and some cupcakes to take to Tovin's birthday party that Emily threw today. We played games and chatted and ate dinner and cake. It was nice to get together with the family that attended.

Reason I love my husband: he's forgiving. Have I already done this one? I feel like there's a lot to forgive sometimes. 😆 But specifically, this time, I got my nose out of joint because he and Brooke started watching The Greatest Showman when I went to Ninja Night with the boys. And I'd been waiting for a good time to watch it with her for weeks. Of course, he didn't know that and it was unfair to be mad about it. But I was. They paused watching so that I could finish it with them tonight. Which was very kind of him. I think I still need to apologize. 

Sunday

Stephanie shared this message from Elder Uchtdorf in our presidency meeting today, and I loved it so much, I wanted to keep it: 

I think God and Jesus want what we want for ourselves, as long as it is in line with their teachings. Want to homeschool your kids? Go for it! Want to grow a garden? Sure! Interested in going back to school? Why the heck not? They love us and want us to be happy. So if what we want is not contrary to their plan for us, they want those things for us too. This is something I've been thinking about as we have started studying the Doctrine and Covenants. It talks a lot about desires. 

My day has been full today: deep cleaning and dejunking my bathroom, lunch with DeAnna, visiting a couple women in my ward, having dinner with my kids, and self reliance meeting tonight. I'm all peopled out at this point. 

But I wanted to tell another favorite thing about yesterday. A little story about Jack: 

Last night was like most -- after dinner, getting chores done and kids to bed. I normally like to go through pictures and write in my journal for a few minutes to wind down. Well, at one point, Daniel was reading to Brooke, all the other kids were in bed, and I had done my usual wind down. And I decided that I'd play the piano for a few minutes before Daniel and I went on a mini date to swig. I'm trying to be better about playing the piano every day, but I'm not there yet. Really, I'm not even close to that. But I did get to sit down and play last night. 

I started with some boring finger exercises, and then started into some Spanish dances. After I was part way through the second one, I saw Jack coming down the stairs from his room out of the corner of my eye. He said, "Mom, I want to tell you something." So, I stopped playing to listen. 

He said, "Well, I was in my bed, feeling kind of scared and sad. And so I said a prayer and asked Heavenly Father for help to feel better. And right after I said my prayer, you started playing the piano, and it helped me to feel better!" (And I'm sitting on the piano bench, just beaming at him with tears in my eyes) "I think Jesus sent you to play the piano to help me feel better!" 

My sweet little boy. I feel so fortunate to have him, and so fortunate that I could be a part of this story to help him feel better last night. And that the Spirit whispered to me that I had time to play the piano. And that Heavenly Father showed both me and my child such compassion and love last night in this instance. 

This week I've been just trying to be kinder to myself. "Be your own best friend." And praying that Heavenly Father help me not to have such negative thoughts about myself. And He really has been helping me. I haven't had as many down thoughts today, and when I did, I was able to expel them quickly. 

Favorite thing: I woke up at 6am, and did all my normal stuff, but today felt like it was lasting forever! It was, like, 1 in the afternoon and I had already done a bunch of stuff, and I was still getting stuff done! It was crazy. (In order): I read my scriptures, walked for 45 minutes while watching a bunch of videos (general conference, Lindsey Brin fitness education podcast, homeschooling video, Book of Mormon), stretched and did deep breathing, showered and got dressed, cleaned the kitchen, did devotional and got the kids off to school, finished getting ready, did a long mommy time with Sawyer, read to him, did a preschool lesson with him, ate an early lunch, deep cleaned my room and linen closets, dejunked my room and nightstands and linen closets, made brownies with Sawyer (at this point it was about 1:30), finished cleaning and vacuuming my room, ate more food, read the dog training book, picked up my kids, read to the kids, had mommy time with Camille, made dinner and ate dinner with the kids, cleaned up the kitchen, sat down to write in my journal. Whew! I think my efforts to be more productive are paying off! I think Heavenly Father is blessing me here too. 🥰 Helping me get a lot done in a little amount of time, helping me wake up early and be more motivated. And my day isn't over! I'll be putting kids to bed in the next hour and going on a mini date with Daniel. 🤩

Quote of the day: Me -- "Sawyer, does your mom love you?" Sawyer -- "Sure!" 😂 

Girls Weekend

It's been a crazy weekend! Julie, mom, Schpuck, Scottie and Beckett came on Wednesday evening to spend the weekend. Scottie really wanted to have a girls weekend, so Schpuck and Hou have her a trip for Christmas. 

We started the weekend of strong with Swig. 😆 On the way home from the airport. We had the sisters and Scottie and Beckett and Drew staying with us the whole weekend. We were a packed house! Mom stayed here half the time and at Scott's the other half. 

Thursday, after the kids went to school, while Scottie and Sawyer played, Julie and I did a lower body workout together, which was way more fun than doing it by myself. We went on a fun food outing after that, to onoh's, this malasada place that Julie wanted to try. The malasadas with filling and glazes were actually only okay... but the pork sandwich made on the malasada was delish! 

That might we had the brothers and their families over for dinner. It was pure chaos, and we enjoyed Linda's chix for dinner. There was so much going on, I did actually feel a little stressed... but it was okay. It was nice to be all gathered together. 

Friday was the big day of the girls trip. We mostly had a slow, nothing day. My kids were home from school, and they just hung out together and with Scottie. Julie and I worked out again. And then we just sat around and chatted. The kids did put a little scavenger hunt/ escape room/ spa together for us, which was so cute. 

But then, in the late afternoon, we drove to Salt Lake City for a fun girls night. We started our night at a burger joint for dinner, which was delicious. We got too many fries and onion rings and brought a few boxes home. Then we went to see Disney on Ice at the Delta Center. It was absolutely fun and delightful. Disney knows how to put on a good show. We all loved it! On the way home, we rocked out to this punk rock Disney album. They took popular Disney songs, and had rock bands redo them, and most of them are so good! It was fun listening to it the way home! 

Saturday was another slow day. It is, when there is a baby in the picture. Speaking of which, Beckett is such a cute and sweet baby, and I'm so glad I got over being sick early enough to be able to snuggle him! It was so fun holding him! 

We went to dinner at a Korean barbecue place in Orem with the brothers and Sammy. Basically all the adults plus Beckett. 😆 It was so good, and I are so much, but surprisingly, did not feel overly full. Not at any point! I ate way more than Daniel and Julie, but definitely not as much as Drew. 😂 We went to a fun Asian market afterwards and took some snacks over to Brian and Sammy's house to do some tasting of Asian sweets. It was a fun last date night. 

I was exhausted after a few nights of staying up too late, and also getting better from being sick, so I didn't stay up super late that night. 

The family left the next morning. I took them to the airport with Drew. He was an absolute mess saying goodbye to his mom. And I was an absolute mess later, while we were at church, sobbing about them leaving, about being left out all the time, and about missing Jack's talk in primary (I probably cried mostly about that). But other than that rough ending, it was such a fun weekend. 

A Note from Jack's Teacher

Today in the library Mrs. Chapman had each of the kids stand in front of a mirror and tell their reflection something they loved about themselves or something they were good at.  After she met with each student they came over to meet with me individually.  I was able to tell each child something I appreciated or loved about them.  By the time I got to the last kid in line I was sobbing and could hardly talk.  

I really believe I got an amazing group of kids.  Every teacher or administrator that has observed my class has commented on their attention, kindness, and respect.  Thank you so much for sharing your kids with me this year.  It is the perfect group to have as I end my career as a teacher.  I don't think I could have asked for a better final year of teaching!

Some favorite things lately: 

• On Saturday we went on a family coupon date. The kids have gotten a bunch of coupons to different foods places around town from various school events, and they've really wanted to use them. So, we used some at Chick-fil-A and a smoothie place close to our house. It was very fun to go out together. The kids loved it. The boys got to play at the play place at Chick-fil-A, and they took the cutest selfies at the smoothie place. Also, they all had to wear baseball hats. 😍😂

• Brooke and Camille have decided they really want to share a room again. Saturday afternoon they got together and made a plan and wrote essays about why they should be able to share a room. 😂 Then they gathered the family and presented their essays. It was so cute and funny. (For the record, we had decided that it was probably time to move Jack out of Brooke's room and put Camille in there. It was just a matter of figuring out the right timing. We'll probably end up doing it in a few weeks.)
• Brooke started crocheting a new blanket today that has zigzags. It's very cool. She got the idea and pattern from a book she's reading, a novel, of all places. She also has a fun news hobby that is fun to see her do: she's whittling. 😄 She got a whittling kit for Christmas from Gramma and Grampa Holbrook, and she designed and carved a cute little gnome. And now she's working on a bird. It's a bit of a messy hobby, though. Shavings everywhere. 
• Camille has been doing such a good job controlling her emotions and anger lately. I'm really proud of her. I don't know what changed, but she doesn't blow up at people as much anymore, and is so much more reasonable to talk to when she's upset. We're still working on not getting upset over little things. But she's gotten much better. 
• This is not a favorite thing, because it's a bit challenging. Jack is so materialistic. He loves things and wants all the things. But he's not willing to work for money to not the things he wants... he just wants me and Daniel to buy him whatever he wants, and he gets a big attitude about it sometimes and says we're the worst because we don't do that. It's been hard trying to teach him about work and money and saving, because he just doesn't want to put forth any effort, and he wants everything. I know he'll figure it out someday. But in the meantime, we have many tear-filled discussions. And he'll ask to look up things on my phone, and I often don't want to let him because I know it'll end badly. 
• We deep cleaned Jack and Brooke's room on Saturday, and it feels lovely. We dejunked and threw a lot away, reorganized, rearranged the furniture, put a bigger bookshelf in and filled it with kids books, vacuumed and dusted and cleaned the walls and washed the window, took out all the things they don't need (I had a much of clothes hanging in their closet that weren't for them... I just want to find another place for those so they're not just taking up space in their room). It is currently messy again, but I like the arrangement of their room much better. And I think it'll be great when Camille moves in there. They were so funny about the bookshelf, because they didn't want it at first, saying it was ugly. But when I suggested we paint it, they got so excited about it and made all kinds of plans about making a library in their room. 
• This morning when I was finishing up getting ready, I chose a necklace to put on, and directly after I put it on, Sawyer said, "That's lovely!" He's been an absolute delight lately, just so sweet and fun. We've been doing a lot of our mommy time in the kitchen lately, making treats, and it's been fun! 

How I've seen the hand of God in my life: So, my father sends little trivia questions to the whole family every few days. He does this with his racquetball buddies. They put the question on a dry erase board with some multiple choice answers, and he takes a picture and sends it to us. Well, I try to participate in the game, because it's no fun if no one plays, right? And there are plenty of the family that won't ever participate (mostly the in laws, I've noticed, haha). This is what happened with the game earlier this week: 

I don't even remember what the question was... oh, I think it was "What year did the Star Spangled Banner officially become the national anthem?" But dad's comment just came out of nowhere, and really hurt, actually. He's never done anything like that when people get the wrong answer, so I felt so singled out and humiliated. And this is something that he's never been able to let go of. Yes. I got a C grade in my first class at BYU. It was a difficult class, and I was just trying to get my feet under me at university. I'm okay with it. It's not ideal, and I was really frustrated at the time, but one C grade isn't the end of the world. And it would've been fine, I would've gotten over it in time and moved on... except that dad will not let me forget about it. He brings it up, usually in a very public setting, every couple years. Actually, I think last time he brought it up, I got upset, and he hadn't brought it up in a long while, so I thought he'd finally just dropped it. But I guess not, because here we are. (As a side note, he often says he doesn't have a good memory and can't remember things... why is this something that he's remembered? Like he really just can't let it go, for some reason. But why does he need to continually bring it up?)

Anyway. On this particular day (now, understand, I'm in my downward hormonal cycle, going to start my period in a week or so, so I'm already feeling down and doubtful about myself), it felt like a punch to the gut. I read the text just as I was kneeling down to pray, and I was so upset I was having a hard time praying. But I prayed that I would not be too hurt, that I would be forgiving, that I would answer with grace. I waited a while, after there were more responses. And then I gave an answer, and I think God blessed me to feel okay about it and to respond with humor and lightness. I don't think it betrayed any of the hurt I felt. And after a few hours, I felt better about the whole thing. I believe God helped me to school my emotions and have a clear head about it, and to love my dad despite this silly thing. 

Sunday Notes

• I need to stop relying on myself in all things -- ask Heavenly Father to share His love for others with me as I serve them; ask for His wisdom; ask for His strength when trying to accomplish tasks; 3 Nephi 32:9 -- "But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul."
• Jesus ALLOWS us to take His name upon us -- and how incredible that is! 

Women's Conference Notes

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is for Me

• Power comes through personal righteousness (priesthood power) 
• President Nelson's talk general conference April 2017 - quote about keeping Christ in the Atonement 
• I am worthy of His love and power, merely by my divine nature as a daughter of God and because Jesus died for me (Romans 8:35, 37-39)
• What helps me to remember or feel the love of my Savior? 
• Cheryl esplin October 2014 -- about the enabling power of the Atonement
• When have I recognized the grace of Jesus in my life? 
• Spend time each week for the rest of my life to understanding the Atonement

Drawing on the Power of our Covenants 

• The power comes from God, not the covenants themselves; making and keeping covenants brings the power into our lives; when we are obedient, we receive power through the Savior
• Our covenants point us to Jesus Christ
• What do we want to do, what can we do, with that power from God? 
• What does it mean to have priesthood power in our own lives? Quote by Sherri Dew 
• Spiritual treasures - president Nelson - October 2019
• Wearing the garment of the Holy priesthood brings power into our lives - we are clothed in the priesthood
• As we learn about the priesthood and how to use it in our lives, we can move through life with confidence in ourselves and God and His power
• Asking can bring power into our lives -- Asking for it, asking questions, asking for help; ask in prayer and with priesthood blessings; it is good to seek knowledge and help
• When you are asking for help, God will likely give you MORE than what you thought you were asking for
• Learn what it takes to increase God's power in my life -- what changes can I make NOW to bring me closer to God

Patriarchal Blessings