St. George Take 2

The weekend after Valentine's Day was a holiday weekend, and Jack had a 4 day weekend, and we went on a trip to St. George with some of our friends. Sarah was planning to go and she invited us to go with them. She was feeling the need to get away for a bit and get some warmer weather and some sunshine. This winter has been very snowy and wet and cold and gray. Even on days when it doesn't snow, it's been very gray, and hardly sunny at all. So, I understood her need. 

We drove down on Friday and met the Freis and the Davises at the house we rented. It was a big vacation house, a lot like the one we had when we went in September of last year. The kids shared rooms together, and the couples each chose a room. Here is what we did: hung out in the hot tub; played games; ate amazing food; went to hike the St George slot canyon; the men went on a mountain bike ride; went to the pool (even though it was definitely not warm enough for that, even with the pool heated); went to Sacrament meeting; hiked in Snow Canyon to see the lava tubes; hiked White Rock Trail; drove through Kolob Canyon. We had a blast that weekend, and crammed a lot in. 

Kimberly Davis has a lot of family in St George, and one of her sisters has a ranch with a bunch of horses. She asked her nieces if we could come ride the horses. All the kids were so excited to go see the horses and ride them. So the first thing we did Saturday morning was drive out to this perfect little spot with trees and a creek and these awesome horses. All my kids loved riding the horses, and I even got a chance to ride. It was so fun. We loved it. 

Sunday Notes

Sunday notes from Sunday school lesson in January: 

• Read 4 gospels quickly, then Jesus the Christ (skip first 60 pp); then the 4 gospels quick again
• Read Bible dictionary for each book in New testament

 2/5/23

• Sacrament hymn scripture D&C 45:5 "Wherefore, Father, spare these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life." I believe. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that He lives. I believe that He's my Savior and that He died to save me. I believe He loves me and wants what's best for me. 
• A thought I had before church, as I was listening to a talk about preparing for the second coming: strengthening myself spiritually, through DAILY scripture study and DAILY prayer, through seeking revelation, through family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening, through going to the temple regularly, through faithfully serving in the church in my calling, through fasting and serving -- is more important than anything else I do every day. Preparing myself spiritually and preparing my family for the second coming is the most important work I do. Talk: Preparing for the Second Coming, April 2004, Elder Oaks
• From the talk "Beauty for Ashes" Sister Kristin M. Yee, October 2022 Conference: "Kevin J Worthen, president of BYU, has said that God “can make good come … not just from our successes but also from our failures and the failures of others that cause us pain. God is that good and that powerful.”" I love this thought. "The Lord loves effort." My efforts don't always have to be perfect. God can work through my imperfect efforts to accomplish His work. 

2/12/23

• Need to pray for clarity in my calling, that I might see the youth as heavenly father sees them, that I will know what to focus on and how the youth program now works
• The point of earth life is progressing towards God. Becoming closer to the Spirit, becoming more like Jesus, acting more on revelation. How am I doing on my upward spiral to God??
• I listened to a BYU devotional this morning and loved this quote: "But you can sail on, King Benjamin said, if you will be childlike, “submissive, meek, humble, [and] full of love.” I think the only commentary needed for this verse might be regarding the line suggesting God “inflicts” trials and burdens upon us. In English, the word inflict, which comes from the Latin infligere, has at least two meanings. One is “to strike or dash against” and another is “to beat down,” but those definitions are not applicable to God or His angels. No, the proper definition of the word as King Benjamin used it is to allow “something that must be borne or suffered.” Now allowing something is a different matter! God can and will do that if it is ultimately for our good. I am going to say it again: God does not now nor will He ever do to you a destructive, malicious, unfair thing—ever. It is not in what Peter called “the divine nature” to even be able to do so. By definition and in fact, God is perfectly and thoroughly, always and forever good, and everything He does is for our good. I promise you that God does not lie awake nights trying to figure out ways to disappoint us or harm us or crush our dreams or our faith." Taken from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk at BYU entitled “A Saint Through the Atonement of Christ the Lord” January 18, 2022

2/19/23

• “Sometimes when we are asked to be obedient, we do not know why, except the Lord has commanded." -Marvin J Ashton
• God gave me things to enjoy because He loves me: the beauties of nature; when the mountains turn pink; the stars at night; fireflies; beautiful sunrises and sunsets; wonderful friends, who love me for who I am; my children, who I enjoy immensely; my amazing husband, who is so handsome and good. 

Stake Women's Conference

 Panel discussion: 

• "There is no one you cannot love, once you hear their story." The Savior knows each of our stories and loves us perfectly. 
• I need to be more compassionate and give grace to others for their mistakes and failures. Especially my children. I am not perfect, so I should not expect them to be perfect. 
• How do I keep my testimony safe with all the confusion and turmoil in this world? Prayer and fasting keeps us spiritually strong. Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith -- look to the scriptures and prayer in your research, rather than the world. Remember that doubt comes from Satan, peace and comfort come from God. 
• Ministering, come follow me curriculum, for strength of youth/ children and youth program is living in a holier and higher way. What is this living in a higher and holier way?? Living more by the Spirit. 
• Challenge from President Bulpitt: Pray for more charity and to have the Spirit in your life more. For all the month of March. 

Class: Is it the Me or is it the Spirit?

• Listen and take notes on the things you hear that are not said in talks or classes. That's the Holy Ghost speaking individually to me. 
• 2 Nephi 31:17 -- role of Holy Ghost is to refine us and purify us, lead us towards perfection
• Manifestations of the Spirit: emotions -- how do you FEEL the Spirit? The body -- where in your body do you feel promptings? Thoughts -- what thoughts does the Spirit prompt? Actions -- outward vs inward = overcoming the "natural man"
• The Lord gives us many chances, every day He gives us chances to follow the Spirit and to do His work; He won't let us fail when we don't follow promptings right away
• The Holy Ghost makes us way better than we are on our own
• "Being outward" -- the Savior was always outward; pay attention to how you feel when you are "inward" or "outward"
• The Holy Ghost speaks to us through our hearts, whereas the wise and learned rely so much on their brains and disregard the heart
• When do I NOT feel the Spirit? What am I doing when the Spirit leaves? We might get so used to feeling the Holy Ghost in our lives that it's more important to recognize when we're NOT feeling it. 
• WE ARE LIVING IN REVELATION -- phrase from Elder Bednar

Class: staying hopeful and faithful when life doesn't go as planned

• Keep things light, when things feel dark; learn to laugh and smile
• Cling to the gospel, ask for father's blessings
• Turn outward -- serve others
• Turn to Heavenly Father, tell Him all the things you're struggling with, He wants to hear it, ask for guidance
• Allow yourself to grieve and sink into those feelings when things don't turn out as planned, it's okay to feel those feelings
• Use music
• Remember that God has a plan, even if it's not what you'd wanted -- it's going to get you where you want to be
• Things to remember in hard times

1. Be quiet, be calm, be still, simplify
2. Start where you are, put in effort every day
3. Remember that Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of me
4. Pray in a heartfelt way, pray for the Lord to prevail
5. Laugh before crying
6. Keep your eye on the target, don't let the adversary keep you too tired, too weary, too discouraged, too distracted
7. Find things to be grateful for

Class: character of Christ

1. Know who you are -- I am a daughter of God; it is not necessary to look for validation and approval from the world, or even from the people around me that I love. I only seek praise and validation from Heavenly Father. 
2. Know Heavenly Father's will -- if I am constantly trying to do God's will, I will have God's approval; discover God's will for me through my Patriarchal blessing, through prayer, through learning how the Holy Ghost speaks to me. Knowing God's will for me takes time and effort
3. Align my will with Heavenly Father's will -- we need to consciously align our will with God's, it takes real conscious thought. Fasting and prayer are wonderful tools to help and guide us. Know and do the will of God
4. Make and keep covenants with God -- spend more time in the temple (read President Nelson's most recent conference talks again). 
5. Endure to the end -- living life purposefully with our eye on eternal life; turn outward (as Christ would) instead of inward (as the natural man would);  minister to others 

Sawyer grabbed a snack from the mommy store when Camille wanted to get it down for personal reading time today. I asked him, "Oh, are you grabbing a snack?" He said, "Yea!!" And I told him, "Okay, but you have to read with Camille." And he said, "Okay. C'mon, Camille," and walked over to the table. It was adorable. 

Valentine's Day

The week before Valentine's Day, we started making preparations. I wanted to send Valentine's packages to our family that lives away from us, basically my siblings and their families, and Mom and Dad. I had the kids make Valentines for everyone, or write notes, and then we got fun Valentine's treats and games and toys and put them into packages and sent them to our families in Oregon and Idaho. We also made one for Brian and Sammy's family to deliver it to them. It was a fun project. Also, very expensive. 🤑🤑 Between all the fun things we bought and shipping costs, it ended up being a little bit painful. For sure not something we'll be doing every year. 😬

Our Valentine's Day was a little different this year. Daniel invited me to a morning date, snowshoeing in the mountains. Emily came to watch our kids while we were gone. It was very cold, very peaceful up there, and very fun. I really loved doing an active date for Valentine's Day. Being together, enjoying the serenity, and getting some exercise in was the best. We hiked about 3 miles total, and it was just beautiful up there, with all the snow and the trees. A few times, I just stopped and drank in the silence and peace. 

After our hike, we went to breakfast at the Pancake House and had a huge breakfast. We were both famished at that point. And it was delicious. 

That afternoon, the kids and I delivered more Valentine's treats to our neighbors and friends. We had started the Saturday before Valentine's day; I had the kids take treat bags and played to the neighbors closest to us. Then on the day before Valentine's Day, we skipped doing school and made chocolate covered pretzel rods for more of our friends. We had a lot of fun making the pretzels, and the next day, we had fun delivering them. Valentine's Day is our thing. 😏

I did a special dinner that night for the family: fondue. I made a cheese sauce and a cashew "cheeze" sauce, steamed some veggies, roasted potatoes and chopped a bunch of things, got a charcuterie board prepared, and we had a fondue dinner, dipping things into the cheese sauces. Then, the same for dessert: chocolate sauce with marshmallows, cookies, brownie bites, and berries. It was very fun! It may be our new Valentine's dinner tradition. 

The kids made a massive fort with Aunt Emily and played in it for the whole day, and days afterwards. 

Valentine's Bingo for family home evening activity

An Update on the Mary Situation

I got a text from Mary today:

"Hi sister, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I got your Valentine's gift, and I appreciate the thought and effort behind it! But honestly, sending me the book of mormon makes me feel like you're a member of your church trying to convert someone, rather than a loving sister reaching out. I know you meant well and didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but it felt really condescending. I have many valid reasons for leaving the church, and I'd be more than happy to discuss them with you sometime. I keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself though, partly because I don't want a bigger target on my back, but also because I want to love and respect my family even though I absolutely don't agree with what your church stands for. I hope you'll show the same love and respect for me, even though you don't agree with the way I live either. I will never be a member of your church again. Can't unring that bell. 

I really do appreciate the thought, I know you mean well! But I need to make this boundary. 

I love you, Leslie! You're my sweet, talented sister."

And I feel equal parts sad, stupid, hurt and angry. And I'm also second guessing myself. This could ruin my relationship with Mary. So why did I have to do that? She very obviously doesn't want anything to do with the church. God knows how she feels. Yet I was still prompted to send her the Book of Mormon. Maybe it was simply a test for me, to see if I would do what was asked. I don't know. 

But it's done now, come what may. I can't feel that badly for doing it. I did it for a reason. I'm just hurting and upset right now. 

Anyway, this was my response: 

"I'm glad you are texting me!! Honestly, I was afraid you wouldn't. 😔 I'm sorry you feel like it was condescending. That was not at all my intention. I was just trying to share something with you that brings me great joy. I was just trying to reach out in love. But i do understand the boundary and I will respect it. I know that you keep these thoughts to yourself out of respect for our beliefs, and I completely appreciate and love you for that. For the record, I don't think there's a target on your back. I think your family loves you, even though you believe differently than we do! Please accept the whole package for how it was meant: I was thinking about you and loving you. That's it. Thank you for reaching out to me and being so kind. I knew you would be, I don't know why I was afraid. I would love I hear your reasons for leaving the church, and though I most assuredly will disagree, I will respect your attitude and decision. Maybe Marco Polo would be a good medium for that conversation, if you use Marco Polo. Texting feels like a lot sometimes. I love you Mary."

She hasn't texted back. 

 We made butter and Johnny cakes today for school, as we've been learning about the early American settlers and their daily lives. We love doing fun hands on things like this for school! One of the many perks of homeschooling. 

•  Today we made maple candy as part of school. We have been learning about the early American settlers, and we talked about their everyday lives today. We heated up maple syrup on the stove to a high temperature and then poured it over crushed ice to make the candy. It hardened and became sticky. It was a fun and tasty activity. 
• Camille is sitting on the couch with us all, joke book in hand, giving us tongue twisters and telling us jokes. And giggling all the while. Cute thing. 
• Dad Holbrook found a crochet book that they had intended to give to Brooke for Christmas. He brought it over about a week ago, and Brooke's been busy with it ever since. It's a book full of patterns for crocheted animals, and she started a project almost right away, making a dog for herself. She finished it on Saturday, after getting some supplies from Walmart (that she paid for with her own money). It's so cute! And I'm constantly amazed by her cleverness. She started and finished quickly a rabbit directly after. And now the 3 of them are inseparable. 
• As I was praying this morning, I felt like I should call Julie. But then the day got busy, and I didn't do it. Tonight, she texted with some hard news, she'd had to speak against Mark in a membership counsel, and it was so hard for her. I wished that I'd called her earlier. Always follow the Spirit!
• I sent all the Valentine's day packages yesterday, including the one to Mary. I still was feeling that close connection to God yesterday and today. I'm still nervous about it, but I feel pretty confident that this is what I was supposed to do. And I'm hoping and praying. 

Rice pudding for dinner! Plus, I just told them we could watch a dog movie for movie night this week. 

 I'm working on something today that I've been agonizing about for weeks. Months, really. Here's the story. Ugh. I should've taken a picture of it! Anyway. 

Last October general conference, Elder Rasband gave a talk about the Book of Mormon, and it was an amazing talk. I felt the Spirit so strong when he was speaking. It really touched my heart, and I even cried a little bit. And while he was speaking, at some point, this thought popped into my head: You should send a copy of the Book of Mormon to Mary. Followed closely by: She probably doesn't even have the scriptures with her anymore. Followed again by: ... What?!?

That is not even a thought I would think. It came literally out of nowhere. Why would I even consider giving Mary a Book of Mormon? She has made perfectly clear how she feels about the church and religion in general and how she wants to live her life. Which is very different from how I'm living my life. 

Well, I took very careful mental note of that (I may have even literally written it down), and moved on with my life. I enjoyed conference weekend and wondered about sending Mary a Book of Mormon. 

But then, October was busy because it was ... October. And November came, and I was getting ready to go to Hawaii. And then I went to Hawaii (hooray!). And then I came back and was suddenly in the throes of holiday season. And that initial thought got pushed to the back of my mind. I wasn't even thinking about it anymore. I was too busy and caught up with all the goodness of Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, and I had the thought again: Oh, right. I was going to send Mary a Book of Mormon. Should I still do that? But now, I was looking forward to Valentine's Day, and I already had in the plans to send Valentine's packages for all of my family -- notes and hearts and candy and toys and presents. Just, whatever that we could find that was fun. To let them know we were thinking of them and we love them. It seems everyone is having a bit of a hard time, and I wanted to spread some cheer and love. 

So, one day as I'm doing dishes, this thought comes: I could send it to her in a Valentine's package. It really is the perfect Valentine's gift, because I love her, and the Book of Mormon and Jesus Christ are all about love. Immediately, as soon as I start thinking of doing this for real, doubts come flooding into my mind. So. So. Many. 

What would she think? She'll just throw it in the trash. Or maybe burn it!! What if she gets mad at me and never talks to me again? She won't actually read it. Right? Maybe she'd just give it to mom, out of respect or something, instead of tossing it. What would mom think of me doing this? What will Austin think of this? They'll probably think I'm judging them, or trying too hard to get them back to church. What if she doesn't invite me to her wedding because of this? What if this causes a huge rift in the family somehow, and everyone turns their backs on me?? Even writing these words, all the awful things I thought could happen, my heart started racing. I was so so scared. And sending Mary a Book of Mormon didn't even make sense. She's very anti-religion, she has strongly negative feelings towards the church, she does NOT believe in God, she's super liberal, and she seems to flaunt her worldly lifestyle around us. She's certainly not interested in reading the Book of Mormon. 

But there were other thoughts too. What if she actually reads it? Or maybe she'll not throw it away, but not read it either, and just hang onto it. Maybe then she could read it eventually. What if she starts wanting to go back to church? What if this changes her whole life? 

Over the course of several days, I was back and forth, in my mind and in emotions. I was constantly questioning if it was actually revelation that I'd received. I prayed about it often, and thought of it more. I had come up with a plan (sending the book with a bunch of things in a cute little Valentine's package), and I was continually thinking of things I could write to her to explain. And every day, I asked God to confirm that this is what He wanted me to do. Because I was still not 100% sure about it. But, I picked up a new copy of the Book of Mormon on Saturday anyway. 

One morning, as I was showering and thinking about this, thinking, really, about all the things that could go wrong, I said a prayer, in tears, saying, "Do I really have to do this?" Ididn't get a lightening strike of an answer, but I just felt like I needed to do it. I really felt like I had received revelation, and I had to follow through. I am so nervous about this. I just really have no idea what will happen. 

So yesterday, I fasted for help with this. I fasted that Mary's heart would be softened, that she wouldn't hate me for it, that my heart would be calm, and that I would know what to say to her. After closing my prayer, I thought, "I just need to do it. I have to exercise faith." And I started crying, because I so didn't want to do it. I was so scared of the potential consequences of it. It felt like such a hard thing for me to do.  

But, I felt so close to the Spirit all day, even though I was nervous, with a knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I've been thinking about scripture stories that relate: Nephi, and his absolute diligence in keeping the commandments he was given; Abinadi, and how it didn't end well for him, but he was obedient to the prompting anyway; the Jews in the New Testament, and how their faith always had to precede the miracle; how the Lord said in the scriptures that His ways are higher than our ways, that sometimes the Lord does things that don't make sense to us; Joseph Smith, and how he always said, "When I receive a commandment of the Lord, I obey." So I just decided to be obedient, to follow the prompting I had received, even though it seemed to make no sense to me.

Starting yesterday, I've been going through the new book, marking up my favorite scripture passages and bookmarking my favorite stories with sticky notes. I used this bright pink chalky gel pen to mark the scriptures, it felt like a fun, happy color. I should've taken a picture of how it looked when I was done, all pink on the inside and bright orange sticky notes sticking out all over the place. I wrote a note in the black page at the beginning, and I wrote a letter of explanation and taped it to the front. 

This morning, again in the shower, I told God, again in tears, "I'm asking for a big miracle here. Please don't let anything bad happen. And please let this ultimately be for her good. Let her come back to the gospel."

Then today, I put her package together, with the book on the bottom, followed by a cute Valentine's mug, lots of candy, notes from the kids, some tea candle lights. All through the weekend and today, I've felt so close to the Spirit, like God was holding my hand through this hard thing He was asking me to do. I felt like I was in true partnership with Him, and I felt close to Him. It was kind of amazing. And I kind of wish I could feel like that more frequently. 

So, that's the whole story. I didn't get a chance to send the package yet. That'll probably happen tomorrow. And we'll see what happens in the end. 

Notes about today: 

• Camille had a tough day today. In the morning, before Daniel went to work, I took her to get her blood drawn for tests. We do blood tests about twice a year before appointments with Dr. Swinyard. She's done so many blood tests before, that I thought she'd be fine. She wasn't. She fought and screamed and wriggled, and she was so worked up that she went limp and pale at one point. They stopped the blood draw before they got enough blood, to allow her to recover. But then they had to take from her other arm. Overall, it was an ordeal. And we didn't love it. I don't know why she got so upset this time. I mean, she never loves it; but the past handful of times, she handles it pretty well. Anyway, we went to get donuts afterwards, for us to feel better. Then in the afternoon, she had an orthodontist appointment, to switch her bands and take a mold of her mouth (which she hated; she gagged and almost threw up, and the lady had to hold it in her mouth so that Camille couldn't pull it out... it was not good, but we got it done). It was a rough day, with both of those in one day. Poor Camille. 
• We made Valentine's for cousins, aunts and uncles, and Gramma and Grampa Fern. The kids made paper Valentines and notes for everyone, and we filled packages with treats and games and fun Valentines things, like pencils and decorations. It took all afternoon and part of family home evening, and we still weren't done. Construction paper and markers everywhere, paper scraps, glue, tape, stencils. The counter was quite a mess! But it was also quite a project. We'll finish them up and send them all tomorrow. 
• On the way home from all the things this evening, we drove by an empty field close to our house, and Camille said, "Oh look, there's those cows, that cow field we saw before. Or, no, they're goats!" I said, "No, silly, those are cows, you were right the first time." And she said, "Yea, I thought they were cows, but then I wasn't sure.... Actually, at first, I thought they were horses!" And then she giggled. She's such a charming person. 
• I was getting some food ready, and I was putting banana in something, I don't remember what. But i told Sawyer we were putting damana in it (that's Sawyer's weird for banana). And he said, "Oh, damana, ggsactly (exactly)." And it was adorable. 
• One of my favorite things that Sawyer says now is "belly" when he is saying "berry." Like for example, when he means "blueberry," he says "bluebelly." And the other day, he was talking about "library books" and said, "libelly books." So cute. 

Good Things My Kids Have Been Doing

 Sometimes, I struggle with my kids. Sometimes, I get frustrated with them. Sometimes, I feel like they're completely out of control, and that I have no control over my life and my household. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with all the things I have to do and remember. In times like these, it's helpful for me to see the good and cute things my kids do. 

One morning, I woke up a little later, and Jack came into my room and told me not to come downstairs, because he was doing a surprise. I came downstairs later to see that he had tidied up the main level of the house. 🥰

One night, after making a gigantic batch of cookies for Young women's, Brooke came to me after dinner and asked, secretly, if she could have one, and I told her she could. Jack, apparently seeing her with it and feeling gyped that he didn't get one, came to tell on her: "Mom! Brooke snook a cookie!" 😂

One day last week was particularly busy. I had stayed out too late the night before for book club, I had slept in, and we had a lot going that day. So I decided we'd skip school. I had the girls help me clean the basement, we prayed and read like normal, and then I told the girls, "Okay, school's done for the day!" They were thrilled. I worked out and got ready, dropped my kids (all but Brooke) off at Sarah's house, and then rushed off to the temple (swearing a tiny bit all the way there, because I was late, which is definitely not a great thing to do before going to the temple). I had a great time in the temple. It was peaceful, I felt comforted, and I feel I got some answers to questions I've had about my life. It was wonderful. I even listened to conference on the way there and back. But then when I went to pick up my kids, the feelings all left. They were being difficult to wrangle, one of them was throwing a mini tantrum and being super grumpy about having to leave a friend's house. And all the while, I was thinking about the big mess waiting for me at home that I would only have an hour and a half to clean up, before Daniel and I were going on a date (we were going to a work thing up in Park City). I was irritated and grumpy about how things were going, especially right after feeling so good in the temple. Then, I herded all the kids into the house, and when I looked, I just stopped dead. The whole house was cleaned up! At least the whole main level was clean. Brooke had spent probably the whole time I was gone to clean up the house for me. I almost cried. Actually, I did cry a little bit, later when I was telling other people about the whole thing. It was the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful thing for her to do for me, so that I didn't have to come home and clean up big messes. I just couldn't believe she thought to do that. I love her so much. 

The other day, I witnessed Sawyer pretending he's a Lamby. 😂 I wish I had a video of it. It was very cute. 

Brooke and Jack were sitting  at the counter one day, talking and giggling together. I don't even know what it was about. Brooke was supposed to be doing her schoolwork. 🙄 But it was still the cutest thing to see them laughing together. Jack even got the hiccups. 

We went to the library for craft day, and Sawyer was coloring a little Yeti coloring page. He was telling me all about how he was coloring, pointing at different pieces that he'd colored and saying: "blue, and blue, and blue, blue..." It was adorable. (As a side note, most of what he pointed at was colored brown... 😂)