January 10, 2010

Sunday

It seems like weeks ago that I last wrote, even though I know it was only a few days ago. This last week of school has been crazy, even though it’s only been the first one. The homework and reading assignments started up right away, of course, so Dan and I spent a lot of time reading and studying this week, surprisingly for the first week. Usually I put off doing my assignments until the last possible moment, so that I can do other things. But that usually doesn’t end up very well, so I got a jump start and finished everything I had to do by yesterday.

Then also this week, Daniel and I had to go to the temple twice, because last week we didn’t get a chance to. I had a doctor’s appointment for the rash on my back, on Tuesday morning, so we decided we would already be close to the temple and go after my appointment. The doctor gave me an anti-fungal cream that seems to be working really well. Then we did a session at the temple and had to rush off to class afterwards. I had my dance class at noon, and I was really late. It was okay, though, because we were only going over the syllabus, and we got out 30 minutes early. Our second temple attendance came on Thursday night. We just did initiatories because we didn’t have much time. Dan had a lot of studying to do. He worked for National Guard and wanted to get a head start on his homework so he wouldn’t be behind when he was done with this weekend.

Wednesday was a crazy day. I have class from 8-12 Monday, Wednesday and Friday, so I thought I would be done at noon every other day. Well, I have a meeting with the professor I TA for and the other TAs in the afternoon now. And, I was contacted about being in the Student Council for the College of Life Sciences, which requires going to a class at 4pm on Wednesdays. It’s alright, though. It’s just time I would’ve been on campus anyway, just studying. Wednesdays have always been a little crazy since I’ve been in school. It seems to be the day when lots of things and classes take place. So after all my responsibilities, I met up with Daniel at the indoor track, and we went running together. When we got home, I cleaned up a bit, and then I went over to my next-door neighbor’s house, because she was having a girl’s night. We just talked and made treats. It was really fun, and refreshing to hang out with girls again, especially ones from my ward. I felt like I connected a little bit that night with my ward. It was good.

Thursday night, before Daniel and I went to the temple, I went to Inga Bowen’s baby shower. It was really fun to see her. She’s supposed to have her baby in, like a week and a half! That’s exciting! The women invited to the shower were all married, most of them with kids. So they were all talking about their experiences with pregnancy and child birth, and it was kind of funny. They were all really nice, though. And there was some delicious food!

Friday night, since Daniel was gone, I went to the ward temple night with Adam and Liz. The temple was ridiculously busy that night and we waited for an hour in the chapel before we could get into a session. But it was really good.

Dan and I have been trying to get back into the groove of school. Especially adjust our sleeping schedules. Over the break, we didn’t have great sleeping habits, and it’s taking its toll on us now. We aren’t used to going to bed early or waking up early. So we have been super tired and grumpy this last week. I think it will take some adjusting.

Yesterday, I spent all day doing homework, reading, working on my resume, and watching tv on the internet. I got really into the Hunger Games last night and stayed up later than Daniel reading it. He left early this morning to go to work, and I went to church with Adam and Liz. It was ward conference today, and I heard so many things I needed to hear. I should have written them down, but I have felt so apathetic about so many things these days. It’s kind of weird; I have made all these goals for this semester. And so far I haven’t been doing very well, but not very poorly either. I ran once this week, just because I got really sore towards the end of the week and didn’t want to get any injuries. But I did lift weights both days that I was scheduled to do. I didn’t read my scriptures in the morning everyday this week, but I did a few. I just need to get used to that. And here I am writing in my journal.

Anyway, my point is, I’m not doing too badly with my goals thus far. But this week was hard in a weird way. I was sad and upset for I don’t even really know why, a few days this week. I felt unsatisfied. And then, this weekend, I just got tired of caring so much, so I just stopped and became apathetic and didn’t want to try so hard anymore. Not a great way to go, I think. It’s as if not having a plan has made me a little lost. I feel like I’m wandering, without any real direction. Sure, I’m going to graduate this semester. But then what? I don’t know what I want in this life anymore. I want to be good, I want to take care of my family. But is that all I’m to set out to do? Isn’t there more I could be doing?

But going to church helped me, as it usually does. I stopped being apathetic. I felt a little bit of God’s love for me. That doesn’t help me completely, though. I still feel lost, despite my long praying and going to the temple for direction. And part of me says I should be searching a little deeper, do more research, apply for more things. But … I’m tired. Tired of not knowing even what I want.

When I was a Junior in high school, I really searched deep within myself, asking a myriad of questions about what I want from life, and I wrote down my answers. I really wish I had that now, just to see what I wanted to do back then. My thought is that I should do that again. Do an in-depth study of myself. Maybe that’s what I need; maybe that’s what will help. I don’t know.

1.          What are my life-long goals?
2.     What do I want?
3.     Under the realm of reality, what do I want to do in life?
4.     What is it I should be working towards after graduation?
5.     What sorts of things do I want to accomplish with my life?
6.     Who is important to me?
7.     Why should I try?
8.     Why should I care?
9.     What are my needs?
10.    What makes me feel good about myself?
11.    What do I love?
12.    What do I want to learn?
13.    What skills do I want to learn? Will they be of any real use to me in the long run?
14.    What are my greatest weaknesses?
15.    What are my greatest strengths?
16.    Do I want to work?
17.    What does my husband expect from me?
18.    What does the Lord expect of me?
19.    What good reasons are there in trying so hard?
20.    What is the will of God for me? What is His plan for my life?