I am so tired. Like, seriously exhausted. I suppose it's understandable, seeing as I have a new little baby. But this little baby is a pretty dern good sleeper. She sleeps for long stretches at night, so I'm getting decent sleep (usually 6-7 hours; although this week there were a number of later nights for me, so ... that might explain it). And there were a few days this week that I took little short naps with Camille. Those days I always feel a bit better than the days I don't take a nap. But it also means that I don't get much done. Anyway, I'm really feeling it today. I got both girls to fall asleep at the same time for what I'm hoping will be a LONG nap, so I finally got down to business in preparing the lesson I have to teach in Relief Society next Sunday (It's been on my list all week, but I never seem to have a chance to get going on it). But as I'm sitting there studying a chapter in Preach My Gospel, my eyes are unsteady and unfocused, and I'm having a rough time focusing my mind on what I'm reading. Geez!
This week has been fairly low-key, although I have been feeling off my game. I was telling Daniel last night that maybe I just need to lower my expectations of what I can get done. Because some days, like today, I have a pretty good stretch of time in the middle of the day to do some work. On the days that Camille sleeps well, I can get a lot done. But then there are other days when she isn't so cooperative, and it takes everything I've got just to help her sleep. I seemed to have some of those off days this week. I got only the bare minimum done. I kept scratching things off my to-do list to do at a later time because I just couldn't do it all. And that's okay. I just have to keep telling myself that.
Daniel and I have been getting up early in the mornings this week. I've been trying to get up around 6am for the past several weeks. I'm pretty good, though I do allow myself to sleep in a day or 2 a week. For me, it's this: either I wake up early so that I can workout, read my scriptures and start my day off the right way, or I can sleep. Because I can't do both. If I don't workout and read my scriptures in the morning, there is a good chance that my energy will be all gone by the end of the day and it just won't happen. Plus, Camille's awake time is in the evening when I would be able to make it up anyway. Despite being tired all the time, it feels good to wake up in the morning, early enough that everyone is still asleep and I can exercise and study my scriptures in peace. I've been trying to be better, too, about getting ready in the mornings. Some days it doesn't end up getting done until later in the day. But the goal is to do it. I don't want to be a frumpy, dumpy, slovenly stay-at-home mom. I don't feel good when I don't try to look good. It really does seem to make a difference. I think the problem I have sometimes is that I have a lot to do and 2 kids and a husband to take care of, and I have a hard time justifying spending a lot of time getting ready. Especially in doing my hair! But ... since it really does make a difference in how I feel and what I do, I think it's important. Besides, I notice that I'm less likely to play outside, go to the park or offer to help someone when I haven't even bothered to get dressed that day. So, clearly ... it's time to be better. And I've done fairly well the last couple of weeks. I allow myself to miss days here and there. Life happens, so I try to be forgiving. But as long as it isn't the norm.
I've been thinking, ever since Camille was born, about how love works sometimes. I thought it was amazing that once she was born, I automatically loved her and was concerned for her. Before she was born, I was only slightly concerned that I wouldn't like her as much as I like Brooke. Because I love my little Brooke! I think she's the most delightful little girl. But I had no reason to worry. Because I love Miss Millie! I think she's the most delightful baby girl. And what is most inexplicable, is that not only do I love them both and have enough room in my heart for them and Daniel, I find that my love for them is more than what it was before. I love Brooke and Daniel more than I did before we had Camille. It's like having one more person in our family didn't require that I divide my affections more between everyone, so that everyone got a little less love from me; it sort of increased my capacity to love; it expanded my love, so that everyone has more than what they started with!
I think something like this happened when Brooke was born, too. There is something about having a baby that makes me fall in love with my husband all over again. It happened again with Camille. Watching him be a daddy, and such a good one at that, just does something to me. I love to see how tender and fun he is with Camille. He loves her almost as much as I do. :) And he and Brooke are like 2 peas in a pod. They are so alike in so many ways. It makes me laugh! And cry...
Sometimes, I look at Brooke or Camille and I watch them, and my heart just swells. It's a physical reaction. I feel something. It's amazing! I love being a mother! And I'm blessed with such fun, sweet, cute, beautiful girls!
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