October 28, 2009

Wednesday

I’m not doing so great today. Dan left to go to his interviews in California, and I took him and his friend Ryker to the airport this morning. I missed my first class today, which irritated me, but I got over it. I instead focused on cranking out a paper for my sociology class, and I felt fine after being distracted. I went to the rest of my classes, which were fine.

It was super-cold today. Walking to the car after school was not a fun adventure. I should’ve worn more clothes.

Tonight I have been slacking off a lot. I don’t feel like doing homework. I feel really horrible at the moment. I got home, ate, watched TV, talked to Daniel, did a little thinking about what I’m going to do with my life. I went to an enrichment activity tonight. We learned how to make cards with a girl in our ward. She’s really talented. I have wanted to be more involved in the ward, so I thought this was a good opportunity to do so. I was hoping to get to know some of the girls in my ward, maybe make some friends. And this was perfect, because only about 5 girls showed up, and I feel like I do better in smallish groups. I sometimes feel overwhelmed with a lot of people, especially if I don’t know most of them all that well. Anyway, it was odd, I thought, because nobody really talked to me, even though I was trying to strike up conversation. I would even talk directly to someone, and they wouldn’t hear me or ignored me. It’s hard to tell. It was just interesting how I’m trying to put in the effort, and nothing is coming of it. And I’m frustrated and hurt and I feel bad about myself.

Anyway, I called my mom afterwards, on my way home, because she called and it’s been a while since I’ve talked to her. And it was nice to talk to her, but she told me about things that are going on at home. Mary is on Homecoming Court, which is exciting for her, and mom’s really busy with helping her with that. But I just don’t understand why I’m always the last one to know things happening in my family. My sisters never call me, my parents call me usually once a week. But they are all so involved with everyone else in the family, except me. Diane and Julie and Mary are always talking to each other, on the phone or on facebook. No one ever calls me or sends me messages. I feel like if I weren’t even to call any of them or come home ever, or even be involved in the family at all, I wouldn’t be missed.

Things have been deteriorating for a year, or at least, that’s when I have felt it start. And for months I’ve tried to push aside the feelings I have about my family or about people not liking me; but things keep cropping up that make me see what’s really going on. And I’m really hurt. And I don’t know how to change it. And Dan doesn’t understand, or really care to (which I don’t blame him for). So I can’t really seek comfort in him. I’m just struggling.