Calling Part 2

So. I thought about my new calling more in Denver than I'd wanted to. I tried not to, but I couldn't help it. And there were a few times when I was probably quiet and Daniel asked, "What are you thinking about?... Your calling?" Yup. 

After we got back, I dug into the question of who to call as counselors. It was surprisingly SO HARD. I really struggled with this! I wrote out a list of all the sisters in our ward that I was pretty sure were active, even sisters I didn't really know, and gradually eliminated them one by one. And that week after Denver, I did all the things I knew I was supposed to do: I read my scriptures every day, especially the Book of Mormon and general conference talks; I went to the temple -- multiple times that week; I prayed fervently and asked for guidance -- multiple times a day; I studied it out in my mind and came up with counselors that I thought would be good; I listened for answers. I did all the things. But I never felt like I got a clear answer. So I went back to the drawing board. A couple different times. And I came up with numerous presidency options. But nothing felt really RIGHT. 

And it was so frustrating! God had called me. Didn't He want me to call counselors and get to work? One night, I went to the temple after a Relief Society activity, and did initiatories, and then went up to the Celestial Room to think and pray. I came up with a presidency that I really liked and felt decently good about, and I told myself that I would just submit those names to the Bishop no matter what after I got out of the temple. But once I was out sitting in my car and thinking about it, and ready to give those names, I just felt anxious all over again, even though I had felt peace in the temple. I had a bit of a tantrum with God then. I cried very much and talked to myself and prayed angrily. I thought, maybe I just need to make a decision, because I'm really not feeling any confirmation. So, I texted the Bishop with those names. And immediately I felt this overwhelming "NO!" feeling about it. I just felt that anxiety flood my body like I've never felt before. It was crazy! I texted Bishop back right away and basically said, "No, never mind. That doesn't feel right." 

I think there are a couple of reasons why it was so hard. First, I felt like I was on a deadline. Bishop Kimball had told me that he wanted to call the new Relief Society presidency the Sunday after Daniel and I got back from Denver. So I felt crunched for time. And I was trying to force the issue with God. Second, I kind of wonder if Satan was working overtime on me those couple of weeks. I felt such anxiety and nervousness about being RS President and having to lead in anything. It's kind of strange, really. I was called to be the Primary President back when Brooke was a baby, and I felt overwhelmed with that, but not quite to the same extent. And I wasn't crushed with this anxiety and indecision. I think Satan was trying to get me to feel anxious about choosing counselors and about being president. But it was so so hard for me to sort out those feelings from the direction I was trying to receive from God. And maybe I was also a little bit in denial about the whole thing. For days after Bishop extended the calling, when I thought about it, the whole thing felt like a big joke. It took that whole week or 2 after Denver for me to come to terms. That may be a little ridiculous, but that's how it was. 

Anyway. I had that tantrum with God in the parking lot of the temple. I ranted and railed and cried (and texted the Bishop... and then texted again). And nothing ever felt right or good. But Bishop, bless his heart, answered with, "Take your time." Which I probably needed to hear just then. I went home and cried to Daniel. Bless HIS heart, as well. I explained how I'd been feeling and how I didn't feel like I was getting an answer, even though I felt like I was doing all the right things. And hadn't I accepted the calling in the first place? Why couldn't I do this most BASIC of things as a RS President? Daniel talked me down and told me that maybe there was a good reason why I wasn't getting the answer I was seeking. Maybe the one who was going to be counselor needed another week before the calling. He also told me that I was doing everything I could to get an answer, but that sometimes we can't rush the answers we seek. He helped me to see that if I was doing my part, then God would surely bless me, and I needed to trust in that. 

Well. I gave myself a couple of days break thinking about it. My brain and heart were tired. So I did other things and didn't think on it too much. I went to the temple a couple more times that week (not because of this issue... it just worked out that way. Daniel had made some appointments for us). Sunday came and went. I decided to get down to it again, and I wanted to give Bishop my answer by Tuesday or Wednesday of that next week. But again. I had so many issues! I STILL felt like I wasn't getting a definite answer, and nothing felt completely right. That Tuesday, Bishop asked how things were going and if I had anything for him. I explained that I just wasn't feeling right about anything and that we may need to have a chat about it. I told him that I was fairly certain that I wanted Stephanie Webb as my 1st counselor, but that I wasn't very certain about my 2nd counselor, although I was thinking about Jamie Winfield. "I felt pretty good about this presidency last night. And this morning, I'm nervous. That's kind of how this whole thing has been. Feel good about something one night, wake up the next morning and feel dread about it." And his response was, "I actually think you have received your answer." So I told him to go for it and call those sisters. 

I still don't know why it was so hard. Maybe it was something I was supposed to learn, but I'm not sure what. Maybe it was the adversary making me feel the way I was. I don't know. I found this quote in my scripture study this week and totally made me think of this experience I had. From Gary E Stevenson's last general conference talk, October 2023: "Spiritual matters cannot be forced. You can cultivate an attitude and an environment that invite the Spirit, and you can prepare yourself, but you cannot dictate how or when inspiration comes. Be patient and trust that you will receive what you need when the time is right. Use your own best judgment. Sometimes we want to be led by the Spirit in all things. However, often the Lord wants us to use our God-given intelligence and act in ways that are consistent with our best understanding."

We were called and set apart that Sunday, the 4th. My setting apart blessing was so beautiful, I wish I could remember all the parts of it. I started writing down some of the things I remember. Here are a few:

• Blessed with: the ability to continue being an amazing mom; strength and energy to be able to do everything I need to do; confidence and courage to be able to do this calling, that my insecurities will fall away
• Instructed to: minister to the one; pray and ask direction for my calling every day; share my love and kindness with all around me
• Heavenly Father knows: all my feelings regarding this calling; He is aware of me; there is a special kindness about me
  

After we were set apart, Bishop Kimball told me that I had some things coming up. The next weekend was ward conference, so we had a special ward council. With the stake leaders. I was also asked to bear my testimony about the Book of Mormon in Sacrament meeting for ward conference. And I was going to be conducting the 2nd hour of church as well. 😬 I just felt like I was being thrown into the fray! No easing into your calling, no sir! And I found out later that day that I was also supposed to be going on a visit with a woman in the stake RS presidency to one of the sisters in the ward. It felt like a lot in one week right from the get-go. It all went relatively well, though. I felt like a dunce in ward council, I felt like my testimony was much like others I've borne about the scriptures (meh), and I wasn't completely hopeless while conducting. And the visit during the week was wonderful. 😊 Also on that ward conference Sunday I was doing a musical number, singing with 3 other women in my ward. That experience was absolutely amazing (we sang "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee" which I love); but it did feel like a lot of me in church that day. 

It's been a few weeks now since Stephanie, Jamie and I were called. We've met a couple of times. I've been approached by some sisters in our ward who need welfare and assistance. I have had a lot of feelings and doubts over the past few weeks. I still don't feel like I'm the best person for this job, and I particularly feel like I have big shoes to fill. Hannah Kimball was a wonderful Relief Society President. But I am going to do my best. I hope I'm up to the challenge that this will be. 

My main difficulty so far has just been that I don't know what I'm doing! Especially when it comes to matters of welfare and self reliance. It's been frustrating that I need to help people but am so unsure of how to go about it. I am slowly learning, and I've been given access to materials that are helping. But I still feel so far off the mark. My strategy so far has just been to stay the course. I've adopted everything that Hannah had done before, and I have little intention of changing things for a while. I know I need to add some sisters into the ministering program in our ward. But I'm not going to change all of the assignments around. Teaching topics and assignments have been given out through the end of March, and we are keeping them that way. After that, we'll do our own thing. I didn't want to come in and just change everything. I'll be doing that very slowly, the more comfortable I get with my calling. 

And I feel fairly good about my presidency. I really like our secretary, Becky Garcia, and I think Jamie is going to be such a great help. I don't know Stephanie that well, and there have been a couple of things that have made me pause a little. Like, I hope this works out and that she is going to be a good counselor. But I do believe that God inspired me to call her. The Sunday that we were called was a Fast Sunday, and she got up to bear her testimony. She said that she has been feeling like she needed a change from being in primary, and that she's been praying to be able to go to Relief Society. She joked that she intended to be in Relief Society as a spectator. But she was grateful and excited for the chance to serve, and she felt that God was truly aware of her and her desires. Later, in our first meeting, she said that her faith had been struggling, partially because she felt like she had never been given a big responsibility in church callings. She felt like she was capable of doing a bigger calling, but that she'd always been overlooked. She even admitted to feeling less inclined to keep going to church. It seems her faith was really slipping. I hope that this calling will help her get back on track, and that it won't be too much for her. But after hearing her talk about it, I feel certain that God is aware of her and wanted her in this calling.

One thing that's always amazing to me is how quickly you start to feel God's love for the people you are serving after you receive a calling. I have prayed for the sisters in our ward almost every day. I have observed things and issues that sisters are experiencing right now and I feel so full of compassion for them. I have even cried a couple of times for some of the sisters in my ward because of the difficulties they are experiencing. I have no doubt that Heavenly Father has allowed me to feel a portion of His love for these women and their families. And it's truly an amazing thing to feel. It's just a testament to me of His love for ALL of His children. I am just privileged to feel a little of that love for a small group of those children. 

I have gotten all kinds of responses from people when I received my calling. "Congratulations" is definitely the wrong thing to say to someone who's received a big calling. We don't campaign for these callings or hope for them. I didn't ask for this calling or try to get it. All we do is try to live worthily and the best we can, and sometimes we are asked to serve. There have been so many friends who've been supportive and so excited for me to be their RS President. I have had people tell me they support me and sustain me. And I loved hearing that. My friend Lauren Harrison, when she found out later, after I was sustained and set apart, just gave me a big hug. 🥰 It was the sweetest. I think there were others who said all the right words, but there was very little feeling behind it. I wonder if they think I'm too young for the calling (which I would definitely agree with), or if they think maybe I'm not the best person for it (which I would also agree with). One brother in my ward said something to the effect of if there's anyone who can figure it out and do well, even not knowing they are doing, he was confident I could. I thought that was a lovely thing to say, and it made me feel better. 

I told Sarah and DeAnna about my calling the night after I was called, before Daniel and I left for the airport. Apparently, I can't keep my own secrets. I told them that I had something to tell them when I got back from my trip. I wish I could put our whole text conversation here! You should've seen their responses! They couldn't wait that long for me to tell; was I pregnant; was it a major health concern; was I moving; YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE! It was the sweetest thing ever. They wanted to know, but they were worried about me, too. DeAnna even guessed that I was Relief Society President. Well, I told DeAnna to go to Sarah's house and I would meet them there and tell them. I cried when I told them and told how inadequate and young I was feeling. They were so sweet and supportive, and DeAnna said she knew that was it. I was like, "HOW on earth did YOU know, when I didn't even know??" Later she sent me a series of really cool texts:

DeAnna: So I'm not sure if I should share but I will ... Because... But when Heidi was president, she was coming up on her time when she was going to be released soon and Matt and I were talking about who would be called as the new RS president. The stake president told Matt that I am sometimes "the 4th counselor". I don't know all of even most information but sometimes before callings are made, Matt will counsel with me.  Matt had said he felt to call you as the next relief society president and I thought you would do excellent. Your testimony and love for the Lord is so strong. I see your service and how much you love everyone so selflessly that is admirable. Then our wards split.  It's amazing to me that the spirit would speak again to Bishop Kimball separately again and tell him that you should be the next RS president without him having spoken to Matt. You were being prepared this whole time for this calling. You are going to amazing things for your ward.

And what a strong witness, again for me that the spirit can speak to bishops separately and individually for callings to be made for people. Esther 4:14 you were made for such a time as this 💛💛 Love you friend!"

Me: Oh my goodness. 😭😭 Thank you for sharing that! I think I needed to know that. I've prayed to know that this calling is from God (because when I think about it, it still feels like a joke 😅😬). I think this is my answer. ❤️

DeAnna: It's interesting because when Matt first mentioned your name he even said I feel like it's her . But not yet. And when we talked about it we thought it meant just because it was because Heidis time wasn't up yet... And then the wards split and so I didn't really think about it again.  I had remembered this conversation when Karter was called as Bishop but didn't want to tease you about it..  anyway when you said you had news I wondered about it again. You've totally got this!   😘 God works in the coolest ways. But when I said I knew at Sarah's. That's what I had meant. So kinda but not really. Lol! It was my guess 😁 

Me: That's some crazy revelation he got! Like, specific. 

DeAnna: It's been a cool experience to see the revelation he receives as Bishop. Some he can share@ the time. Others he can tell me after. And it's on such a small scale compared to the prophet it makes me think- wow- the Lord really has things worked out to the tiniest detail and knows our lives so intimately. It's a beautiful thought in the doctrine. 

Another thing that was kind of cool was that Hailey Shoemaker (young women's president), once we found out that Bishop Clarke was moving and we'd need a new bishop, kept saying that she just knew she would lose me. She kept saying it, and we were thinking of it in the context of Daniel being called as bishop, or as a counselor. She asked me one night at young women's if I felt any revelation about Daniel being called into the bishopric. And I said no, because I didn't. But she kept saying she was sad because she was going to lose me. And I kept saying, "Noo, no way." But then... she did end up losing me. Just not in the way we thought. It's so interesting how different people feel the revelation differently. 

Bishop Kimball, when he extended the calling, said that he knew quite well in advance that he would need to call a new RS president, because he got the call to be bishop in mid December. He said that as he thought about it and made a short list of women to fill that position, it became obvious quickly that I was the one the Lord wanted to be the next RS president. Then when he set apart the presidency, he told us that the RS president was the most important calling in the ward, next to the bishop. Talk about pressure! 

People have asked me if I felt like this calling was coming, and I've said no. But I feel like maybe I was warned a little bit ahead of time. I think I wrote about this when I happened; but back in the summer, I was asked to give a talk and then, because of time constraints, just bore my testimony. And then later that week, someone from the stake sent me an email about it. Well, after that, it seemed that I was on the stake radar (President Gardner and President Bulpitt were there when I bore my testimony as well), and remembering that our stake RS president was nearing the end of her time in the calling, I started to get inexplicably nervous that maybe I was going to be called to be the stake RS president. I mean, that just seemed so silly in my mind. Why was I even thinking about that? There was such little reasoning behind my thinking that I'd be called as the stake RS president. What? A handful of people in the stake heard me bear my testimony one Sunday, it seemed to get noticed a bit, and now I'm going to be called to be stake RS president?? So silly! But I kept thinking about it and talking myself down from it. And in retrospect, I wonder if maybe the Spirit was directing my thoughts. Maybe He was preparing my mind in a way. Because even though it wasn't on the stake level (thank the heavens), I did end up getting a RS President calling. 

I've gotten a lot of great advice from people the past few weeks. Things like: "delegate the crap out of it" - Sam Clarke; focus on ministering to the one; don't let other people's emergencies become your emergencies. But I think one of the best conversations I had with someone was with Stefanie Caswell: 

Stefanie: Hey Leslie I have been meaning to text you. Thanks for the valentines treats. Also I'm excited for your new calling! I think you will be amazing at it. I wish I could see you in action on Sundays but I do love my calling in primary. I love doing the baptisms and being in there with the kids 😊

Me: Thank you, Stefanie, for that vote of confidence! I'm feeling quite shaky about the new calling, haha. I'm so glad you're in primary! It's really one of the best places to be! 

Stefanie: Fair. It's a lot but so cool to serve and get to know so many sisters. Have you ever been in a RS presidency before?

Me: Yes, I was a counselor several years ago. And you're right. Getting to know the sisters and visiting with them was my favorite part, and what I'm most looking forward to now. 😊

Stefanie: That's awesome! I'm sure it has changed a lot since then even so. It's different when you are over it all 😘😘😘 You are so good with your scripture study and following the spirit that I know it's going to be so good. Keep a journal of tender mercies ❤️

Me: Totally different! That makes me nervous, haha. I'm definitely not perfect at those things, but maybe I'll get better through this experience. 😆 That is great advice, thank you!

Stefanie: You got this. I love watching the Lord direct his work with all of us imperfect people just trying to really do our best. ❤️

Me: ❤️❤️ I love that thought! 

Well, I obviously have a lot of thoughts about this, haha. I have felt closer to the Spirit more consistently these past few weeks. I have felt Heavenly Father's love for the women in our ward much more. I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I'm already making lots of mistakes. But I'm ready to grow, and I'm excited to visit with and get to know the sisters in my ward. I'm excited for the spiritual experiences and to see the hand of the Lord working through me in my calling.